What the World Needs Now

Compassion

As the 1965 song reminds us, “what the world needs now is love…not just for some but for everyone.”

The challenge today is to ask ourselves, “Can we show love towards everyone?”

Can you love someone who has beliefs very different from yours, someone who has hurt you, someone who is a stranger?  Wholeheartedly answering “yes” is difficult because love seems to be restricted to close relationships.  Indeed, we expect romantic partners and family members to love each other.  But loving a stranger—that isn’t love.

Is it possible to love someone who is very different from you?  Oops, maybe we shouldn’t have put that person into the box of “different”.  Even seeing someone as different, and judging that person as “the other” has already put a limit on your ability to love.  For loving another means identifying commonalities and recognizing our common humanity.  Someone may look, think, or act differently than you do but that person’s feelings are no different from your own.  So, a connection can be built by recognizing the feelings that are behind the thoughts and actions.  A loving response then lets the other person know you recognize these feelings.

Love that goes beyond close relations to strangers and even to all of humanity means responding with understanding rather than judgment.  Seeing another person through your eyes often involves judging that person.  Seeing another person through their eyes leads to understanding that person.  You begin to feel what the other person is feeling, to have empathy and to tell that person what you are experiencing when you are seeing through their eyes.  An empathetic connection is the essence of love and it can be created with anyone.

Let us choose love over fear.

Want More Intimacy in Your Relationship?

wedding-1770860_640

“I want us to be more intimate,“ she says.  “Intimate,” he thinks, “that must mean she wants more sex.”

Men and women often mean very different things when they think about intimacy.  Women often are asking for more emotional closeness when they ask for more intimacy.  Men, on the other hand, sometimes confuse sexual and emotional closeness.  Some men might even admit that they have no clue what a woman is asking for when she asks for more intimacy.  And some men and women can use sexual intimacy as a substitute for emotional closeness.

What, then, is intimacy?

 Intimacy is the ability to engage in close and reciprocal relationships, to engage in cooperative behavior for mutual benefit, and to flexibly respond to the range of others’ ideas, emotions, and behaviors.  Engaging in cooperative behavior for mutual benefit is a good description of sexual intimacy as well as emotional intimacy. 

Intimacy strengthens close relationships and fosters mutual growth.  Intimacy is needed even in platonic relationships because it promotes positive interactions in dyads and teams working towards a mutual goal.

What interferes with creating intimacy?

Intimacy involves giving and receiving understanding and support.  Some people tend to receive but not give.  What can hold you back from giving fully of yourself in a relationship is a need to defend against hurt.  Or you may be so judgmental and defensive that you do not respond flexibly to other’s ideas.

How does a couple create emotional intimacy?

In order to create emotional intimacy, you have to let go of your defensiveness.  You need to listen to the other person with a non-judgmental ear.  And you need to be willing to be non-defensively open in what you share with the other person.  When you are together, talking and listening with these attitudes increases emotional intimacy. 

Intimacy is an essential skill in loving relationships and Dr. Beverly Palmer shows how intimacy can be developed in her recently released book, Love Demystified: Strategies for a Successful Love Life.

Free Love Demystified Workbook

Front Cover 2

Starting June 29 and continuing through July 3 you can get the Kindle version of this workbook FREE.  Just click on this link: Free Love Demystified Workbook

This workbook contains more than a dozen questionnaires to assess your current love life.  Respond to these questionnaires to find out where you are now and what you are needing.  You can discover how intimate your current relationship is, how resilient you are, how romantic you are, and how empathetic you are.

Ask your partner to also complete these questionnaires to discover new things about your partner. You and your loved one might then want to share your responses, which can create a deeper intimacy.

From your and your partner’s responses you may find that there are some areas in your love life you want to improve.  Love Demystified: Strategies for a Successful Love Life is a companion to the workbook and gives you tips and techniques to enhance your relationship.  You can purchase it on Amazon as either a Kindle edition or a paperback: Love Demystified Strategies

 

3 Tips for Meghan and Harry (and All Married Couples) to Create a Lasting Love

wedding-1770860_640.jpg

The beautiful princess (or duchess) and charming prince (or duke) may live in a castle but they will also have to face issues that you do on the way to happily ever after.  Here’s three tips for making love last.

Present as a Team.  People and events may try to pull you apart.  Family and friends will give you advice about what you should or should not do.  But, in trying to follow this advice you may find yourself at odds with your partner.  Major and minor events such as the birth of a child or even celebrations with in-laws can put a strain on your togetherness.  Later, as your child grows there are even more challenges to not having that child play one of you off the other.

Show everyone that you are a team, not just two individuals who can be pulled away from each other.  Disclose and discuss looming issues.  Then use “we” instead of “I” when responding to others.  In that way, others will see you are presenting a united front, one that is stronger than each of you separately.

Resolve Conflicts Successfully.  You will have disagreements that you can’t avoid.  Solving these disagreements in a way that you both win is necessary for a happy relationship.  If there is only one tool that will help you resolve conflicts successfully, it is empathetic communication.

Empathetic communication involves listening closely to your partner, taking a breath before replying, and then stating the essence of what you heard your partner say.  In this way you show you understand your partner’s position.  Feeling understood decreases defensiveness and increases cooperation.  If both of you do this when trying to resolve a conflict, it can lead to a winning solution for both of you.

Show you Appreciate your Partner— Every Day.  Yes, you are so in love now that you can’t even imagine lapsing into days of not connecting with each other at all.  Yet those days will come, perhaps sooner than you expected.  And then you will begin to feel the bloom of romance has withered, or maybe even died.  Yet, if you say or do something every day to show appreciation for your partner, the romance that is there now will be there throughout the years.

There are many ways to show appreciation.  Noticing what your partner is saying or doing and commenting favorably on it is one way.  Hugs, smiles, and saying thank you shows you value having your partner in your life.  Take a moment right now to show your partner some appreciation.

 

Podcast about Love

Recently I had a fun conversation with Brian Howie on The Great Love Debate.  We debated everything from what to watch out for when dating to how to make love last.  Listen to it here: Making Love Last

Podcast4.

It’s Finally Released!

booksolo (002)

With Valentine’s Day approaching, here is the perfect gift for yourself or your loved one:

Love Demystified: Strategies for a Successful Love Life.

This guide uses cutting-edge psychological research to tell you how to find a new love, fix a current relationship, love again after a loss.  It gives you the tips and techniques you need to get through many difficult times in loving.

Available through the publisher (BookLocker.com/9605) or at all online and neighborhood booksellers.

Five Ways You Know You Have Found Your Soulmate

soulmates-and-life-partners

Basically, a soulmate is supportive and makes you feel comfortable.

  1. A soulmate listens to you deeply and you feel instantly understood. Being deeply listened to without the other person listening only for how they need to respond is a rarity in relationships.  Yet the other person acknowledging an understanding of the message you are sending makes you feel intimately connected to that person.
  2. A soulmate brings out the best in you and accepts you just the way you are. You feel like you can be totally open and honest with your soulmate because, no matter what you say, you will still be accepted as a person.
  3. When you are interacting with a soulmate you notice the similarities you share. You may have similar values, interests, goals.  Or you may have a subconscious connection.  Your soulmate may be similar to someone else who was important in your life who was also nurturing and accepting.  So you feel comfortable when with your soulmate.
  4. Your soulmate has your back. It is the two of you against the world—well, maybe just against a common foe or issue.  You feel supported in your struggles.
  5. A soulmate feels like that is your missing piece; you feel completed when you are with your soulmate.

Feeling understood and completed with your soulmate does have its downside.  You may feel you are incomplete without your soulmate and not able to function as well without that person.  You may start yearning for the next time the two of you will be together.  Or you may anxiously await the next text message.

You may begin to depend on your soulmate to meet your needs—your need for appreciation, for self-esteem, for comradeship.  If either you or your soulmate changes in terms of these needs, you can feel lost, not needed, or not needing.

 

Anger Triggers and Resolutions

anger cartoon

In relationships, some lovers are quicker to feel anger than others. Yes, not having your expectations fulfilled or not getting your needs met can cause frustration. But some lovers seem to have shorter fuses when these situations occur. And some lovers allow anger to propel them into using strategies that hurt the loved one and the relationship.

Common Anger Triggers

Judgments and sensitivity to rejection are two of the main triggers of anger. Instead of simply seeing the situation as it is, you put your own spin on it. For example, your partner is scrolling through the messages on their phone while you are talking to them. You judge their actions as showing they do not really care about what you have to say. You might even go a step further in your mind to think, “My partner never really listens to me because they don’t think anything I have to say is worthwhile.” Now you have fueled your anger with that interpretation.

Or you may interpret your partner’s request to take out the trash as a demand that you do immediately, which causes you to feel controlled and angry. Your judgments can then lead to an angry outburst or even a turning inward with troublesome ruminations.

Sometimes it is the judgments you make about yourself that are behind your anger. For example, you might judge yourself as inadequate or defective. Then you base your self-esteem on your perception of the way others feel about you. Notice it is your perception of the other person’s words or actions, not what they actually said or did. If your feelings of being inadequate are aroused because you see the other person as being critical, your anger can get triggered. Of course, you might actually be in a relationship where your partner often complains about you. If you are also self-critical, this combination can lead not only to anger but also to depression.1

Sensitivity to Rejection                                                                                               

Some people are extremely sensitive to rejection. They have an anxious expectation of rejection. Even when there is little possibility of it, they still readily perceive social threats. This sensitivity motivates them to react with anger, hostility, or withdrawal.2 It is the mere anticipation of potential hurt that triggers their reactions. They are so vulnerable and insecure, they don’t even have to be actually hurt to feel wounded; the threat is enough.

Research has demonstrated that the brains of these people are different from the brains of people who are not so sensitive to rejection and do not act so defensively.5.33 People low in rejection sensitivity have a more active prefrontal cortex, which allows them to be less emotionally reactive and more self-regulating.3 Yet the good news for people high in rejection sensitivity is that emotional self-regulation can be taught, and a supportive romantic relationship itself can mitigate this sensitivity.

One concern about the defensive reactions used in the face of rejection sensitivity is that these reactions can create a self-fulfilling prophecy, where the reaction itself causes the feared rejection. One member of a couple in a conflict situation can seek support but not receive it, or be on guard for any cues that might indicate rejection. If that person begins to defensively start losing their temper, insulting their partner, or swearing, it can incite the partner to do the same. Then the negative interaction causes the conflict to become unresolved.

Strategies to Defuse Anger

Why do we say such hurtful things to our loved ones? Often it is because we are too fused with them. When we are fused, what our partner says or does often feels like it has something to do with us. And then we react accordingly. We lash out or raise defensive walls. Or even worse, we blame ourselves.

Your partner leaves the dirty dishes in the sink all day and night—again. You think, “If they really cared about my feelings, they would put the dishes in the dishwasher.” Or “I am probably expecting too much.”

With these thoughts, you end up saying, “Must take too much of your energy to put the dishes in the dishwasher. How lazy can you get?”

You know you’re not going to change your partner’s behavior with this criticism, but it slips out anyway.

Your partner’s behavior annoyed you, but it is the judgment you put on that behavior that caused you to lash out. More than likely your partner did not leave the dishes in the sink to purposely annoy you or as a lapse in caring for your feelings.

If you see your partner’s behavior as independent of your connection with them, you won’t be pressured to say something hurtful. Instead, you will find a way to let them know that you noticed without the negative reaction. You might even joke. “Maybe we could make the kitchen sink into a dishwasher.” Indeed, those partners who each have a sense of their own autonomy will be less defensive during a conflict and will be more satisfied with their relationship.4

The time between a trigger and your angry reaction is generally only two to three seconds. So try to cut the link between the trigger and your anger by taking a slow, deep breath the moment you notice a trigger. This will help you to cool off the hothead feeling, not bite the bait, and take a moment to think about a way to express your needs in a helpful way.

After the deep breath, you can respond rather than react, and then you will remain in control. You can respond with an “I” statement that lets your partner know what you need at that moment. For example, if your partner forgets to pick up the dry cleaning that has your work uniform in it, you could take a deep breath and then say, “I really needed my uniform for work tomorrow.” You are putting the issue on the table instead of blaming your partner. Then the two of you can work on finding a resolution to the issue.

Even if you are the recipient of your partner’s anger, you can still have some control over the angry reaction. When you see your partner starting to tense up, you can remind them to breathe. Or you can model the necessary action by taking a slow, deep breath yourself. Initiating the first step in calming the hot responses down will give both of you a chance to approach the situation in a more helpful manner. Instead of a fight, flight, or freeze reaction, you have used a calming strategy.

  1. Whiffen, V. E. and J. A. Aube. 1999. “Personality, interpersonal context and depression in couples. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 12 (3): 369–383.
  2. Romero‐Canyas, R., G. Downey, K. Berenson, O. Ayduk, and N. J. Kang. 2010. “Rejection sensitivity and the rejection–hostility link in romantic relationships.” Journal of Personality, 78 (1): 119–148. doi: 10.1111/j.1467-6494.2009.00611.
  3. Kross, E., T. Egner, K. Ochsner, J. Hirsch, and G. Downey. 2007. “Neural dynamics of rejection sensitivity.” Journal of Cognitive Neuroscience, 19 (6): 945–956.
  4. Knee, C. R., C. Lonsbary, A. Canevello, and H. Patrick. 2005. “Self-determination and conflict in romantic relationships.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 89 (6): 997.

What Would Happen If You Assumed You Are Loveable?

teddy bear

We all start out being dependent on someone for love, needing to get love to survive.  Then, in the process of growing up, new needs emerge—-the foremost of which is to feel lovable, independent of other people’s judgments.

We feel a need to rediscover our separate self, our likeable, huggable, lovable self.  But how does someone who has only received conditional love begin to feel lovable?  It seems impossible for someone who never got unconditional love to be able to give unconditional love, to one’s self or to others.

From birth, we are all needing love and giving love1.  We are not just empty shells waiting to be filled.  There is love within us from the moment we enter the world.  We do need love from others, but not to fill us.  Rather, we need a special kind of love to uncover the love within that was always there.2

Love Yourself Unconditionally

You can’t fully love another person until you fully love yourself.3 So how do you do this?  You have to stop judging yourself.  And stop seeking other’s approval of you.  Instead of judging parts of yourself as good or bad, you can see yourself as just a unique human with weaknesses and strengths. You are loveable because you are this unique person, this whole and real person.  What is it that you, specifically, don’t accept about yourself?  Try this short assessment by filling in the rest of each sentence.

  • I regret …
  • I failed to…
  • I shouldn’t have…
  • I wish I were….
  • I need….
  • People would say I am….
  • I am…
  • I am proud of…
  • If only….

Do some of your responses indicate you regard yourself as only conditionally acceptable?  Are you starting to realize how harshly you judge yourself and how much you rely on the approval of others?  Can you change your negatively biased self-referencing beliefs to more helpful ones?

For example, can you tell yourself you did the best you could do at the time and forgive your mistakes?  Instead of dwelling on the past, can you pull your mind back into the present? When you let your mind go back into the past you see yourself as you were in the past and discount who you are now, in the present.

Can you accept that you do have some weaknesses but those are what make you a unique person so you don’t have to hide nor become defensive about them?  Each of us is a unique individual, with our own set of strengths and weaknesses.  That does not make us better than nor less than another person—just different—and we are usually loved for that difference.

Can you accept yourself just as you are now, unconditionally, free of any qualifications, and show that vulnerable self to your loved one?  Being vulnerable means willing to be open to yourself and to your partner.  If you look back at your responses to the above questions you might see what you are defending against when you respond to your partner.  You may assume that you should not let your partner see those weaknesses because then you wouldn’t be loved.  Yet, to have a lasting love, you must trust that your partner’s love for you will not be affected negatively when you reveal your vulnerabilities.4 The irony is that, if you tell your partner about your weaknesses directly, you will find that your partner will usually feel much closer to you.

Can you see yourself as having a lot of love inside to give your partner because you no longer judge yourself so harshly?  Then you have developed compassion towards yourself that spills out as compassion towards your partner (and, quite possibility, towards everyone).

See Yourself as Separate from Your Partner

Can you see yourself as separate from your partner with your own strengths and weaknesses?  This view of yourself is crucial because you may not always have your partner to supply what you don’t supply for yourself. So many of us separate or are forcefully separated from our partner before we have had a chance to develop a separate sense of self. Then the struggle is all the harder, but we can still find the love that helps us grow. This love is within ourselves.

When you see yourself as a lovable and loving person separate from your partner, you have the basis for developing a relationship that is no longer based on dependency nor isolated independency. You are more interested in giving love than in getting love.  Each of you give love and receive love but you are not desperately needing to get love from each other. You now have a relationship based on interdependency—two people who see themselves as existing separately and together.

  1. Cozolino, L. (2014). The neuroscience of human relationships: Attachment and the developing social brain (Norton Series on Interpersonal Neurobiology). WW Norton & Company. pp. 97-98.
  2. Rogers, C. R. (1951). Client-Centered therapy. Houghton Mifflin. pp. 137-142.
  3. Fromm, E. (1956. The art of loving. New York, NY: Harper Colophon.
  4. Kernberg, O. F. (1984). Object relations theory and clinical psychoanalysis. New York: Jason Aronson. pp. 185-240.