It’s Finally Released!

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With Valentine’s Day approaching, here is the perfect gift for yourself or your loved one:

Love Demystified: Strategies for a Successful Love Life.

This guide uses cutting-edge psychological research to tell you how to find a new love, fix a current relationship, love again after a loss.  It gives you the tips and techniques you need to get through many difficult times in loving.

Available through the publisher (BookLocker.com/9605) or at all online and neighborhood booksellers.

Assumptions that Cause Disillusionment

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You might see your partner and yourself through the lens of many assumptions.  Then you begin to act toward your partner in ways that confirm these assumptions.  Instead of changing your assumptions, you become disillusioned that love is not what you thought it should be.

 

Loving relationships never follow a smooth path but there are some assumptions that make dealing with the bumps even more difficult. Some of these assumptions may be only yours or some of them might be shared ones. Look at the following assumptions about love that can hold you back from fully loving and check off those that ring true for you.1

 

  • Someday My Partner Will Find Someone Better Than Me

You don’t trust that your partner will always love you.   Your insecurity then leads to jealousy and suspiciousness that alienates the very person you want to love you.

 

  •      I Need Everyone’s Approval to Feel Worthwhile

This assumption keeps you in a submissive position in order to be approved.  You have given your partner tremendous power—-the power to approve or disapprove of you.  In doing so, this assumption is self-defeating because it stops you from being able to grow in the relationship.

 

  •      I Can’t Feel Happy and Fulfilled Without Being Loved

Tremendous insecurity results from this assumption because there will be times you will not have your partner in your life or your partner’s love.  This assumption may cause anxiety just thinking about the possibility of losing love.  It makes you feel like you are walking on egg-shells.

 

  •        If I Don’t Meet All of My Partner’s Expectations and Demands, Disapproval and Rejection Will Follow

When you have this assumption, the relationship becomes a burden that eventually leads to resentment.  Either you continue to be a slave to your partner’s demands or you run away, carrying this assumption with you, to start the whole process over again with a new partner.

 

  •       My Partner Is Not What I Need

You find your partner lacking so you try to make him into what you want him to be.  You look disapprovingly or nag when he does not do what you want.  Does this get you what you want or does this change him?

 

  •       If My Partner Rejects Me, It Proves That There’s Something Wrong with Me

Sure, rejection does not feel good, but that rejection might say everything about your partner and nothing about you.  You have magnified the result of your partner’s actions into feeling devastated instead of seeing it as a momentary glitch in your relationship.

 

Dealing with Assumptions So They Do Not Derail Your Relationship

All of the above assumptions can be changed once they are recognized as just assumptions and not a reflection of reality.  Your assumptions are just the way you see yourself, your partner or the situation, not the way you, your partner nor the situation always is.

Furthermore, these assumptions often are not expressed.  Instead of telling your partner, “I need your approval in order to feel loved,” you say “You’re always criticizing me.” What would happen if you stated your assumption out loud?  Maybe your partner would not feel so attacked and would, instead, understand a little more about where you are coming from.  So, by recognizing, stating, and changing your assumptions, you can change the way you love.

You can challenge each of the above assumptions by replacing them with a more helpful one.  For example, instead of assuming that you have a deficit that will cause your partner to find someone else, you could assume that you are lovable and just need to make sure your partner sees this. Indeed, what would happen if you assumed you are loved even when there isn’t someone in your life presently acknowledging it?  In a subsequent post you will discover how to see yourself as lovable independent of your partner’s actions.

Do you assume that you have to meet your partner’s expectations and demands?  You could, instead, assume that your partner is capable of meeting her own needs.  Then you would just show your partner how she can meet her own needs.

Finally, assuming that you and your partner are okay just the way you are can go a long way towards avoiding the conflicts that occur when you are depending on your partner to fulfill your needs or trying to change your partner.

 

  1. Burns, D. D. (1985). Intimate connections: The new and clinically tested program for overcoming loneliness developed at the Presbyterian–University of Pennsylvania Medical Center. New York: William Morrow & Co.

What to Look for in a Potential Partner

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When people are asked what aspects they value in a potential partner they tend to list physical qualities, socially desirable characteristics, and unrealistic expectations.  Furthermore, as we learned in the previous blog posting, we tend to make judgments about the other person’s trustworthiness, competence, and likability within the first tenth of a second, during the first glimpse of that person.1

We know that, for short-term relationships, physical qualities are valued but for long-term relationships, honesty, warmth and intelligence are valued.2 Other qualities typically valued are sensitivity, consideration, generosity, respect, responsiveness, and responsibility.  Yet none of us demonstrate these qualities all of the time.  We sometimes show the polar opposite, such as insensitivity, inconsiderateness, selfishness, rudeness, apathy, and irresponsibility.

Therefore, we should not expect these valued qualities to be fully formed and demonstrated all the time.  In fact, partners in growth-promoting relationships develop these qualities to a deeper degree as their relationship and they, themselves, mature.3 Yes, do look for these qualities but don’t expect them to always be present.

There are three qualities, however, that are especially important to look for in oneself as well as in a prospective long-term partner. They are so important that they actually predict the ability to form a lasting and growth-promoting relationship.4

These three qualities (some may even call them skills) are empathy, acceptance, and intimacy.  Empathy is the capacity to accurately understand others’ experiences and motivations, to appreciate others’ perspectives even if one disagrees with them, and to be aware of the effect of one’s own actions on others.  Acceptance is an unconditional love, a love without requiring oneself or the other to be a certain way or meet one’s expectations. Intimacy is the ability to engage in caring, close and reciprocal relationships; to strive for cooperation and mutual benefit; and to flexibly respond to the range of others’ ideas, emotions, and behaviors.5

Does your potential partner listen so carefully to you that he/she can acknowledge the essence of what you said?  Does your potential partner make you feel loved just for who you are or does he/she often criticize you for not meeting his/her expectations?  Does your potential partner spontaneously disclose what he/she is thinking and feeling at a given moment and respond to your thoughts and feelings in a way that helps you feel close to that person?

1. Willis, J., & Todorov, A. (2006). First impressions making up your mind after a 100-ms exposure to a face. Psychological Science, 17(7), 592-598.

2.  Regan, P. C. (1998). What if you can’t get what you want? Willingness to compromise ideal mate selection standards as a function of sex, mate value, and relationship context. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 24(12), 1294-1303.

3. Beck, A. T. (1988). Love is never enough: How couples can overcome misunderstandings, resolve conflicts, and solve relationship problems through cognitive therapy. New York: HarperCollins.

4. Rogers, C. R. and Sevens, B. (1980). Person to person: The problem of being human: A new trend in psychology. New York: Pocket Books.

Block‐Lerner, J., Adair, C., Plumb, J. C., Rhatigan, D. L., & Orsillo, S. M. (2007). The case for mindfulness‐based approaches in the cultivation of empathy: Does nonjudgmental, present‐moment awareness increase capacity for perspective‐taking and empathic concern?. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 33(4), 501-516.

Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2002). A two-factor model for predicting when a couple will divorce: Exploratory analyses using 14‐Year longitudinal data. Family Process, 41(1), 83-96.

5. Reis, H. T. (1990). The role of intimacy in interpersonal relations. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 9(1), 15. doi: 10.1521/jscp.1990.9.1.15;