How Romantic Are You?

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When two people are romantically in love they agree with many of the statements below. And even some of us who are not presently romantically attached would still like to feel this way. We all have at least a little bit of romance in our hearts.

To find out how romantic you are, check those statements you agree with.

Romanticism Scale *

Indicate whether you agree or disagree with the following statements by circling the “A” if you agree or the “D” if you disagree.

When you are really in love, you just aren’t interested in anyone else.  A D

Somewhere there is an ideal mate for most people. The problem is in just finding that one. A D

Jealousy is a measure of how much you love a person. A D

Love will overcome all differences between two people. A D

When you are separated from your love partner, you are miserable.

To be truly in love is to be in an eternal state of bliss. A D

You would do anything to make your loved one happy. A D

You can always tell when two people are in love; it sticks out all over.

Love just happens; you can’t cheat it. A D

Love and hate are opposites; where one exists, the other cannot exist. A D

A person who really loves you would never do anything to hurt you.  A D

No one can love more than one person at a time. A D

Who Are the Real Romantics?

If your partner also responds to the Romanticism Scale in the previous section, and you compare your responses, you may be surprised. Men and women are both caught up with romance, but research in the 1970s showed that it is men who are the real romantics. Men tend to agree with more of the statements about romantic love in the Romanticism Scale;4.15 they fall in love more quickly; and they hold on to a waning affair more so than do women.4.16

* Rubin, Z. (1970). Measurement of romantic love. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 16, 265-273.

4.15 Rubin, Z. (1973). Liking and loving: An invitation to social psychology. N.Y.: Holt, Rinehart and Winston, p. 206.

4.16 Kanin, E.J., Davidson, K.D., and Sheck, S.R. (1970). A research note on male-female differentials in the experience of heterosexual love. The Journal of Sex Research, 6, 64-72.

 

When the Unpleasant Feelings Emerge

love and hate

In a truly intimate relationship, the rejections, irritations, and disappointments are as much a part of loving as are the securities, pleasures, and dreams.  No marriage is made in heaven and no relationship is built on only the heavenly feelings.  But no one ever forewarns us about the trials and tribulations.     Instead we believe that if it’s really love it will be sunny days forever, with no dark clouds to muddy up the horizon.  After all, we were always told that love is never having to say you’re sorry.

So, with our trusty aphorisms tucked deep within our hearts, we rush off to find the perfect love or, at least, a lover who will never hurt us.  And we begin spending a lot of time and energy just trying to avoid any unpleasantness in our newly-found relationship.

What never bothered our partner before, nor bothered us about our partner can become exasperating.  We notice he isn’t paying attention when we are talking (has he ever?).  Or she has left the door open to welcome the flies again (such a generous spirit).  Each morning he leaves her lists of things to do (does he think he is her boss?).  She tells him he is headed for diabetes if he doesn’t lose some of that weight (as if she has any control over this).  These little quirks and sins against the relationship gradually slip out, with the cumulative effect being disillusionment, resentment, and hurt.  What was comingled starts becoming unmingled.

Often, when this inevitable unpleasantness creeps into the relationship, we don’t know how to deal with it.  We leave our lover (either emotionally or physically), hoping to find a new love, one which will finally measure up to our ideal. Anyone who has ever been left by a lover knows that love hurts but, by then, it’s too late.

But, it doesn’t have to be the end of the relationship, nor does it have to be a relationship of shared misery. You could use your unpleasant feelings to begin a conversation with your partner.  This conversation can help each of you understand the other’s point of view, and even draw you closer together.  Or you could realize that you can get past the irritation into a more accepting attitude towards your partner and yourself.  Yes, sometimes your partner is selfish and sometimes you can be selfish.  So, it is important to let your partner know how his or her behavior affects you.  But it is up to your partner to change this behavior, not up to you to constantly complain about it. So why not just accept your flawed partner instead of trying to change him or her?

Why Judge?

overanalyzing

               Judging is a great destroyer of relationships, and it can destroy your self-confidence as well.    Yet we all do judge others.  When someone looks or behaves differently than we expected, we judge that person negatively.  We expect others to be like ourselves, do what we want them to do, or have the same standards that we have.  When they don’t, we push them away with a disapproving look or a criticism. 

               What’s more, we judge ourselves as harshly as we judge others.  We assess whether we are living up to our standards.  When we determine that we are falling short, we beat ourselves up.  Not so good for feeling self-confident.

               So why continue to judge?  Because we think we can control other people (or even ourselves) through our judgments.  We become impatient when a person is walking in front of us too slowly. We say, “Why don’t you ever listen”, when we want someone to listen to us.  We conclude that a person’s way of parenting is not the way we think it should be done.  We become angry when someone expresses an opinion we don’t agree with.  All of these judgments just make us or the other person feel bad. 

               To not judge just switch your focus.  Instead of seeing someone with your eyes, see them through their eyes.  They see the world differently than you do and that is ok.  These differences really do not have anything to do with you.  A person is not walking slowly, not listening, parenting a certain way, or expressing an opinion to purposely annoy you.  It’s just the way they see things.  So you can let them be and not react with a judgment (even one not expressed).

               Letting go of judging oneself is especially difficult but can be done if you take note of a behavior that you would have liked to take back but then not wallow in regret.  Everyone who is human makes mistakes and learns from them.  But not everyone beats themselves up because of the mistake.  Again, switch your focus to see the goodness that is still in you even when you have made a mistake. 

               Loving oneself and loving another is to let go of judgments.  A love that empathizes and accepts takes the place of judgments.

What Do You Do When a Powerful Person is an Insecure Liar?

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“I am the most important person, not you, and I am always right” is the mantra of the compulsive liar.  Of course, he is not the most important person (lie number one) and he is not always right (lie number two).  Yet, you can be drawn to his seemingly self-confidence and power.  Then, as long as you agree with him (even if what you are agreeing with is a lie), you will be part of his inner-circle. 

But, how do you deal with a compulsive liar if you don’t agree with him?  And why does he impulsively and compulsively lie?

Psychologists have described one type of person who lies so as to boost his ego.  He needs constant admiration from others and will even lie to get it.  If he is confronted with the lie instead of being admired, his worst fear of being criticized and rejected will appear, causing him to attack or try to silence the messenger.  He can easily attack without fearing the consequences because he lacks empathy and compassion for others.  His view is the right view and all other views are false views.  After all, for him it is just a comparison of views, not facts.

The compulsive liar has a grandiose sense of self-worth which is shown by boasting and being contemptuous towards “lesser beings”. Others are seen as being able to be conned by lies that will lead to his personal profit.  Because he does not feel a human connection with most people, he has no compunction about crushing them in order to achieve his goals. His impulsivity is shown in his speech and sexual promiscuity.  Yes, this could get him into trouble but he then deflects and denies responsibility.  Because he is such a great showman, he can fool many people many times.

The brain of the individual who impulsively and compulsively tells lies may be different from others’ brains.  Psychologists Yaling Yang and Adrian Raine have found that pathological liars have a significant increase in white matter and a decrease in the grey/white ratio in the prefrontal cortex compared to normal controls.1 The relative reduction in grey matter is linked with disinhibition, resulting in impulsivity and compulsivity.  The increase in white matter provides the capacity to size up a social situation enough to construct a really good lie.

So, if there are actually neurobiological differences in the brains of pathological liars, how can you deal with them?  You can’t change them and you can’t confront them.  The best you can do is contain them.  Reduce their sphere of influence so that their lies affect as few people as possible.  If you work with a self-aggrandizing liar, divide up parts of a project so you can be totally responsible for one part.  If you live with this person, stop trying to please him/her.  Look to other people and to yourself to satisfy your needs instead of depending on him/her.  If this person is one of the most powerful in the world, join with others to create a group that is more powerful than he is.

  1. Yang, Y., Raine, A., Lencz, T., Bihrle, S., Lacasse, L & Colletti, P. (2005). Prefrontal white matter in pathological liars. British Journal of Psychiatry. 187,320-325.

Raine, A., Lencz, T. et. al. (2000). Reduced prefrontal gray matter volume and reduced autonomic activity in antisocial personality disorder. Archives of General Psychiatry, 57,119-127.

Don’t Just Say “I Love You”. Show It.

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You may think saying “I love you” is all that is needed in your relationship(s).  But, if you live each day as if it could be your last with the person(s) you love, you will find many ways to show your love rather than just announcing your love.

Here are some proven ways to show your love.

Give Reassurance and Emotional Support

               Both men and women feel loved when their partner gave assurances that he/she would always be there and supportive.1   Give your partner security by saying you are there for them when they most need it.  Show emotional support by being attentive though making eye contact and actively listening by repeating back a bit of what you heard.

Touch

Don’t let a day go by without touching your partner.  Maybe it is a hug or a kiss, or a shoulder rub.  Touch does not have to always signal, “I want sex”—it can signal, “I care about you.” 2   In fact, contrary to stereotypes, men in long-term relationships who get lots of kisses and cuddles report being more sexually satisfied.3

Be Positive

               When you are cheerful and optimistic, your replies are comforting for your partner.  This positivity also includes being patient and forgiving, showing a cooperative attitude during disagreements, and avoiding criticizing your partner.  Researchers have found that both men and women can show this equally in relationships and it is much appreciated by both genders.4

Do Things Together

               Sharing household tasks, working together on a mutual (fun) goal, walking and talking (but not about problems), and having a night out all communicate that you love to be with your partner.  Although one study found no difference in the men and women using this way of showing love, one other study did find that men tend to using this strategy more than women.5, 6

Show Appreciation

               When your partner does something you like, make sure you say so. And, often, just out of the blue, compliment your partner by saying what, specifically, you love about him/her. 

Do Things for Your Partner (Especially Surprises)

               Have a plant or flowers sent to your partner at work.  Wrap a warm blanket around your partner when he/she needs comforting.  Pack a suitcase for each of you and take your partner on a surprise weekend trip.  A lot of what love is all about is the attraction, caring, and intimacy you are showing through these actions.7

  1. Dainton, M., Stafford, L., & Canary, D.J. (1994). Maintenance strategies and physical affection as predictors of love, liking, and satisfaction in marriage. Communication Reports, 7, 2, 88-98.
  2. Marston, P.J., Hecht, M.L. & Robers, T. (1987). True love ways: The subjective experience and communication of romantic love. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 4, 387-407.
  3. Heiman, J.R., et. al. (2011). Sexual satisfaction and relationship happiness in midlife and older couples in five countries. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 40, 4, 741-753.
  4. Dainton, M., Stafford, L., & Canary, D.J. (1994). Maintenance strategies and physical affection as predictors of love, liking, and satisfaction in marriage. Communication Reports, 7, 2, 88-98.
  5. Dainton, M., Stafford, L., & Canary, D.J. (1994). Maintenance strategies and physical affection as predictors of love, liking, and satisfaction in marriage. Communication Reports, 7, 2, 88-98.
  6. Schoenfeld, E.A., Bredow, C.A., & Huston, T.L. (2012). Do men and women show love differently in marriage? Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 38, 11, 1396-1409.
  7. Rubin, Z. (1973). Liking and loving.Y.: Holt, Rinehart, and Winston.

Is It Men or Women Who Fall the Hardest After a Break-up?

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Ever since the early 1970s, psychologists have found that men tend to fall in love more quickly and they hold on to a waning affair more so than do women.1   But what happens when there is a break-up?

It was a man, Lord Byron, who wrote, “Man’s love is of man’s life a thing apart, ’tis woman’s whole existence.”  Still today, most men and women would agree with this statement. Men seem to be able to do without a loving relationship better than women, who seem to derive their life out of their loving relationships.

Yet psychologists have shown that it is men who cannot live without love. After the break-up of a relationship men feel lonelier, obsessed with what went wrong, and depressed than do women. 2

Whether the relationship lasted only a few years of dating or a long time with marriage, many of the responses seem to be the same.3   Women initially are in emotional pain but they recover more quickly.  Men never fully recover—they simply move on to try a do-over.

Differences between women and men in response to a break-up are related to at least three important factors: (a) who initiates the break-up, (b) the amount of obsessing and insecurity, (c) the degree of social support.4   In longer-term relationships, it is the woman who initiates the break-up 69% of the time.5  Women tend to be more aware than men when a relationship is not satisfying and thus take action, especially if there is the possibility of another relationship that looks like it might be more satisfying.6   Men tend to not be in touch with or express their feeling as much as women.  The feelings men sometimes acknowledge are anger or confusion rather than sadness about the loss.7   Then they either try to ignore the situation or replace the loss but sometimes they find the loss is irreplaceable.  Both genders obsess about what they could have done differently to save the relationship, but men tend to continue obsessing longer than women.8   Maybe this is because the man feels it was his fault that he got dumped.  Yes, both genders need to know the part they played in the relationship not succeeding so that they don’t make the same mistakes the next time around.  But, at some point, one has to stop obsessing and move on.

Moving on, then, is easier when one has a good system of social support, which women tend to have more often than do men.  Men seem to not talk to their friends about their difficulties as much as do women.  Keeping all of one’s thoughts and feelings to oneself then can delay the ability to move on.

References

1.Kanin, E.J., Davidson, D.K.D., Scheck, S.R. (1970). A research note on male-female differentials in the experience of heterosexual love. The Journal of Sex Research, 6,64-72

Hill, C. T., Rubin, Z., Peplau, A. (1976). From breakups before marriage:  The end of   103 affairs. Journal of Social Issues, 32, 1, 147-168.

Rosenfeld, M.J., Thomas, R.J. & Falcon, M. (2015). How couples meet and stay   together. Stanford, CA: Stanford University Libraries.

2. Hill, C. T., Rubin, Z., Peplau, A. (1976). From breakups before marriage: The end of  103 affairs. Journal of Social Issues, 32, 1, 147-168.

Morris, C.E., Reiber, C., Roman, E. (2015). Quantitative sex differences in response to the dissolution of a romantic relationship. Evolutionary Behavioral Sciences, 9,4, 270- 283.

3.Morris, C.E., Reiber, C., Roman, E. (2015). Quantitative sex differences in response to the dissolution of a romantic relationship. Evolutionary Behavioral Sciences, 9,4, 270-283.

Rosenfeld, M.J., Thomas, R.J. & Falcon, M. (2015). How couples meet and stay together. Stanford, CA: Stanford University Libraries.

4.Sweeney, M.M. (2002). Remarriage and the nature of divorce: Does it matter which spouse chose to leave? Journal of Family Issues, 23,3, 410-440.

Morris, C.E., Reiber, C., Roman, E. (2015). Quantitative sex differences in response to the dissolution of a romantic relationship. Evolutionary Behavioral Sciences, 9,4, 270-283.

Rosenfeld, M.J., Thomas, R.J. & Falcon, M. (2015). How couples meet and stay together. Stanford, CA: Stanford University Libraries.

5. Rosenfeld, M.J., Thomas, R.J. & Falcon, M. (2015). How couples meet and stay together.    Stanford, CA: Stanford University Libraries.

6.Sweeney, M.M. (2002). Remarriage and the nature of divorce: Does it matter which spouse chose to leave? Journal of Family Issues, 23,3, 410-440.

7.Morris, C.E., Reiber, C., Roman, E. (2015). Quantitative sex differences in response to the dissolution of a romantic relationship. Evolutionary Behavioral Sciences, 9,4, 270-283.