Assumptions that Cause Disillusionment

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You might see your partner and yourself through the lens of many assumptions.  Then you begin to act toward your partner in ways that confirm these assumptions.  Instead of changing your assumptions, you become disillusioned that love is not what you thought it should be.

 

Loving relationships never follow a smooth path but there are some assumptions that make dealing with the bumps even more difficult. Some of these assumptions may be only yours or some of them might be shared ones. Look at the following assumptions about love that can hold you back from fully loving and check off those that ring true for you.1

 

  • Someday My Partner Will Find Someone Better Than Me

You don’t trust that your partner will always love you.   Your insecurity then leads to jealousy and suspiciousness that alienates the very person you want to love you.

 

  •      I Need Everyone’s Approval to Feel Worthwhile

This assumption keeps you in a submissive position in order to be approved.  You have given your partner tremendous power—-the power to approve or disapprove of you.  In doing so, this assumption is self-defeating because it stops you from being able to grow in the relationship.

 

  •      I Can’t Feel Happy and Fulfilled Without Being Loved

Tremendous insecurity results from this assumption because there will be times you will not have your partner in your life or your partner’s love.  This assumption may cause anxiety just thinking about the possibility of losing love.  It makes you feel like you are walking on egg-shells.

 

  •        If I Don’t Meet All of My Partner’s Expectations and Demands, Disapproval and Rejection Will Follow

When you have this assumption, the relationship becomes a burden that eventually leads to resentment.  Either you continue to be a slave to your partner’s demands or you run away, carrying this assumption with you, to start the whole process over again with a new partner.

 

  •       My Partner Is Not What I Need

You find your partner lacking so you try to make him into what you want him to be.  You look disapprovingly or nag when he does not do what you want.  Does this get you what you want or does this change him?

 

  •       If My Partner Rejects Me, It Proves That There’s Something Wrong with Me

Sure, rejection does not feel good, but that rejection might say everything about your partner and nothing about you.  You have magnified the result of your partner’s actions into feeling devastated instead of seeing it as a momentary glitch in your relationship.

 

Dealing with Assumptions So They Do Not Derail Your Relationship

All of the above assumptions can be changed once they are recognized as just assumptions and not a reflection of reality.  Your assumptions are just the way you see yourself, your partner or the situation, not the way you, your partner nor the situation always is.

Furthermore, these assumptions often are not expressed.  Instead of telling your partner, “I need your approval in order to feel loved,” you say “You’re always criticizing me.” What would happen if you stated your assumption out loud?  Maybe your partner would not feel so attacked and would, instead, understand a little more about where you are coming from.  So, by recognizing, stating, and changing your assumptions, you can change the way you love.

You can challenge each of the above assumptions by replacing them with a more helpful one.  For example, instead of assuming that you have a deficit that will cause your partner to find someone else, you could assume that you are lovable and just need to make sure your partner sees this. Indeed, what would happen if you assumed you are loved even when there isn’t someone in your life presently acknowledging it?  In a subsequent post you will discover how to see yourself as lovable independent of your partner’s actions.

Do you assume that you have to meet your partner’s expectations and demands?  You could, instead, assume that your partner is capable of meeting her own needs.  Then you would just show your partner how she can meet her own needs.

Finally, assuming that you and your partner are okay just the way you are can go a long way towards avoiding the conflicts that occur when you are depending on your partner to fulfill your needs or trying to change your partner.

 

  1. Burns, D. D. (1985). Intimate connections: The new and clinically tested program for overcoming loneliness developed at the Presbyterian–University of Pennsylvania Medical Center. New York: William Morrow & Co.

When the Unpleasant Feelings Emerge

love and hate

In a truly intimate relationship, the rejections, irritations, and disappointments are as much a part of loving as are the securities, pleasures, and dreams.  No marriage is made in heaven and no relationship is built on only the heavenly feelings.  But no one ever forewarns us about the trials and tribulations.     Instead we believe that if it’s really love it will be sunny days forever, with no dark clouds to muddy up the horizon.  After all, we were always told that love is never having to say you’re sorry.

So, with our trusty aphorisms tucked deep within our hearts, we rush off to find the perfect love or, at least, a lover who will never hurt us.  And we begin spending a lot of time and energy just trying to avoid any unpleasantness in our newly-found relationship.

What never bothered our partner before, nor bothered us about our partner can become exasperating.  We notice he isn’t paying attention when we are talking (has he ever?).  Or she has left the door open to welcome the flies again (such a generous spirit).  Each morning he leaves her lists of things to do (does he think he is her boss?).  She tells him he is headed for diabetes if he doesn’t lose some of that weight (as if she has any control over this).  These little quirks and sins against the relationship gradually slip out, with the cumulative effect being disillusionment, resentment, and hurt.  What was comingled starts becoming unmingled.

Often, when this inevitable unpleasantness creeps into the relationship, we don’t know how to deal with it.  We leave our lover (either emotionally or physically), hoping to find a new love, one which will finally measure up to our ideal. Anyone who has ever been left by a lover knows that love hurts but, by then, it’s too late.

But, it doesn’t have to be the end of the relationship, nor does it have to be a relationship of shared misery. You could use your unpleasant feelings to begin a conversation with your partner.  This conversation can help each of you understand the other’s point of view, and even draw you closer together.  Or you could realize that you can get past the irritation into a more accepting attitude towards your partner and yourself.  Yes, sometimes your partner is selfish and sometimes you can be selfish.  So, it is important to let your partner know how his or her behavior affects you.  But it is up to your partner to change this behavior, not up to you to constantly complain about it. So why not just accept your flawed partner instead of trying to change him or her?

When Your Feelings Change Are You No Longer in Love?

Change

We expect our feelings never to change.  We are constantly presented with the image of true love as an unchanging state of bliss where the initial feelings of passion, togetherness, and tender caring are the only feelings we should have if we are in love.  Love becomes only the “lovey” feelings.  After all, it shouldn’t be too much to ask for no disappointment from broken promises nor ambivalence about our commitment.  Should it?  If it is real love, we expect we will always be “in love”.

Yet, the reality is that to be in love is to feel overwhelmed by a rush of conflicting feelings.  At the very moment we meet, and throughout the relationship, we feel both secure and scared, both needed and vulnerable, both valued and misunderstood.

Nevertheless, we resist recognizing all the feelings connected with loving.  We hide some of our feelings from ourselves as well as from our partner.  When we are feeling the excited high from passionate love, we don’t want to think about our equally compelling feeling of being out of control.  It is too scary to consider that falling in love also means falling into a state of vulnerability.  Therefore, we stroll together along new paths, not noticing the hidden holes we might fall into.

Moreover, we use one phrase, “I love you”, to describe all the feelings we are experiencing.  We connect these magical words with only feeling secure, needed and valued.  So, when the scared, vulnerable, and misunderstood feelings emerge we conclude we are no longer in love.  No longer do we say or hear those tender words.  We end the relationship and we end up being losers in love.

It is only belatedly that we discover that love is not what we were told it would be, nor just the feelings we had at the beginning of the relationship.  We begin to realize that the way to love is along a very rocky road and that our feelings when we are on this road will constantly change.

 

Disappointed?

avatars-love-399139   Disappointed? Really, really angry? Your partner failed your expectations, failed to do the right thing, failed you.

How do you express your feelings without coming across as accusing or criticizing?

First state how you feel using an “I” statement. e.g. “I am disappointed.”

Then go on to describe the behavior that occurred with that feeling e.g. “I am disappointed that you spent the entire time at the party talking with another person and paid no attention to me.”

Notice, there are no judgmental words in this statement–just a pure description of the event and behavior.

Now stop. Do not say anything else. It is now up to your partner to reply and rectify the situation.  When you have stated your feelings in this way, your partner is much less likely to get defensive and give a defensive reply.