How Romantic Are You?

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When two people are romantically in love they agree with many of the statements below. And even some of us who are not presently romantically attached would still like to feel this way. We all have at least a little bit of romance in our hearts.

To find out how romantic you are, check those statements you agree with.

Romanticism Scale *

Indicate whether you agree or disagree with the following statements by circling the “A” if you agree or the “D” if you disagree.

When you are really in love, you just aren’t interested in anyone else.  A D

Somewhere there is an ideal mate for most people. The problem is in just finding that one. A D

Jealousy is a measure of how much you love a person. A D

Love will overcome all differences between two people. A D

When you are separated from your love partner, you are miserable.

To be truly in love is to be in an eternal state of bliss. A D

You would do anything to make your loved one happy. A D

You can always tell when two people are in love; it sticks out all over.

Love just happens; you can’t cheat it. A D

Love and hate are opposites; where one exists, the other cannot exist. A D

A person who really loves you would never do anything to hurt you.  A D

No one can love more than one person at a time. A D

Who Are the Real Romantics?

If your partner also responds to the Romanticism Scale in the previous section, and you compare your responses, you may be surprised. Men and women are both caught up with romance, but research in the 1970s showed that it is men who are the real romantics. Men tend to agree with more of the statements about romantic love in the Romanticism Scale;4.15 they fall in love more quickly; and they hold on to a waning affair more so than do women.4.16

* Rubin, Z. (1970). Measurement of romantic love. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 16, 265-273.

4.15 Rubin, Z. (1973). Liking and loving: An invitation to social psychology. N.Y.: Holt, Rinehart and Winston, p. 206.

4.16 Kanin, E.J., Davidson, K.D., and Sheck, S.R. (1970). A research note on male-female differentials in the experience of heterosexual love. The Journal of Sex Research, 6, 64-72.

 

When Your Feelings Change Are You No Longer in Love?

Change

We expect our feelings never to change.  We are constantly presented with the image of true love as an unchanging state of bliss where the initial feelings of passion, togetherness, and tender caring are the only feelings we should have if we are in love.  Love becomes only the “lovey” feelings.  After all, it shouldn’t be too much to ask for no disappointment from broken promises nor ambivalence about our commitment.  Should it?  If it is real love, we expect we will always be “in love”.

Yet, the reality is that to be in love is to feel overwhelmed by a rush of conflicting feelings.  At the very moment we meet, and throughout the relationship, we feel both secure and scared, both needed and vulnerable, both valued and misunderstood.

Nevertheless, we resist recognizing all the feelings connected with loving.  We hide some of our feelings from ourselves as well as from our partner.  When we are feeling the excited high from passionate love, we don’t want to think about our equally compelling feeling of being out of control.  It is too scary to consider that falling in love also means falling into a state of vulnerability.  Therefore, we stroll together along new paths, not noticing the hidden holes we might fall into.

Moreover, we use one phrase, “I love you”, to describe all the feelings we are experiencing.  We connect these magical words with only feeling secure, needed and valued.  So, when the scared, vulnerable, and misunderstood feelings emerge we conclude we are no longer in love.  No longer do we say or hear those tender words.  We end the relationship and we end up being losers in love.

It is only belatedly that we discover that love is not what we were told it would be, nor just the feelings we had at the beginning of the relationship.  We begin to realize that the way to love is along a very rocky road and that our feelings when we are on this road will constantly change.