4 science-based strategies to tame angry political debate and encourage tolerance

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“Climate change is a hoax,” my cousin said during a family birthday party. “I saw on Twitter it’s just a way to get people to buy expensive electric cars.” I sighed while thinking, “How can he be so misinformed?” Indeed, what I wanted to say was, “Good grief, social media lies are all you read.”

No doubt my cousin thought the same of me, when I said Republican senators are too afraid of the president to do what’s right. Not wanting to create a scene, we let each other’s statements slide by in icy silence.

As a psychology professor and clinical psychologist in private practice, I know my relationship with my cousin would have improved if we could have discussed those issues in a nonthreatening way. If only.

I’m not alone in my frustration – and my desire for change. A December 2019 poll conducted by Public Agenda/USA TODAY/Ipsos showed more than nine out of 10 Americans said it’s time to reduce divisiveness, which they believe is exacerbated by government leaders and social media. People want to stop the animosity and relate to one another again. But how?

Based on my knowledge of psychological research, here are four approaches you can use to overcome divisiveness.

Don’t isolate yourself from people with different points of view.

1. Connect

Avoiding interactions with people who have different opinions perpetuates divisiveness. Risk connecting with these people. Relate through activities you enjoy such as volunteering, joining a “Meetup” group or starting a book club. You could even invite people from various backgrounds to a potluck dinner at your home.

What activities like these share is a common goal, which creates a cooperative atmosphere instead of a competitive one. Research demonstrates that contact alone does not ensure cooperative interaction. To truly connect, you both have to demonstrate respect while working on a common goal.

2. Find common ground

It’s important to remember the basic need to feel secure is shared by all people. Focusing on commonalities can lead to a deeper understanding of another person, while focusing on differences will lead to arguments.

An argument involves two people asserting one is right while the other is wrong. But what gets lost in this scenario is the common ground of the problem they both are trying to wrestle with.

Restate the problem. Together, brainstorm all the different ways it might be solved.

For example, a person might say the only way to protect America from terrorism is to sharply limit immigration. Instead of challenging that immigration must be limited, you can restate the problem – then ask if there might be ways to deal with terrorism besides limiting immigration. You might find some solutions you agree upon.

3. Communicate

Listen more and talk less. Show the other person you have understood what they said before jumping in with your thoughts.

Everyone wants to be acknowledged as heard. If they are not, they will continue to press their point. So, to stop an argument in its tracks, start listening and reflect back what you’ve heard.

You’ve probably experienced listening for only what you want to hear – and possibly found yourself not listening at all. You may just be waiting to give a knee-jerk reaction to what the other person is saying.

To listen well, you need to first open your ears, eyes and heart. Examine your biases so you can hear without judgment. Suspend your self-interest and stay with what the other person is saying. Then tell that person what you heard.

Showing empathy does not mean you necessarily agree with what the other person is saying. It just means you’re reassuring the other person you have listened before making your own statement.

Now, it’s time for you to share where you’re coming from. Take a deep breath. Cool down and reassess your thoughts so you can give a considered response, instead of a quick reaction. You can disagree without being disrespectful.

Communication using the above process leads to a conversation instead of an argument and builds a more trusting relationship. It takes only one of you to create an empathetic conversation, as empathy begets empathy. The more compassionate understanding you give, the more you get.

Be skeptical and learn to recognize when you are being manipulated by divisive content.

4. Learn to critically evaluate media

Don’t passively accept all that you see and hear. There are too many sources of distorted facts, unsupported opinions and outright lies available today. Critically evaluate what is being presented by considering the source and fact-checking the content.

Above all, if the message seems fake, don’t share it. Google has a fact-checking tool, and First Draft News has tools to evaluate false content and the way it is disseminated. You can also consult Full Fact and CUNY’s fact-checking guide. So, when you hear or see someone sharing fake information, don’t challenge it. Instead, show how to fact check the information.

Avoid anger and hate in the content you consume. Evaluate whether it is seeking to pit you against another person or group. Follow media that supports empathy, compassion and understanding. But don’t get lulled into a bubble by reading only content you agree with. Help children and teens, not only to critically evaluate media, but also to become kind and caring toward people who are different from them. Teach tolerance by showing tolerance. Yes, you are only one person trying to create change, but your influence does matter.

As for me, the next time I see my cousin, I plan to listen with empathy; let him know I understand his point of view; and try to identify a common goal around which we can share our perspectives.

(The above article was first posted in The Conversation.)

How to Stay Connected on Valentine’s Day

With Valentine’s Day Approaching, Try These Tips To Make This Day A Special One.

Does Valentine’s Day make you wish you had someone to love (and to love you)? Don’t despair—there are ways to dispel loneliness during the Valentine’s Day hype, and help get you out doing something you enjoy. When you are deeply involved in an activity with other people you have a common goal and interests that connect you. Frequent exposure to others increases their liking of you, so besides having an enjoyable time, you might find a new love by engaging in some of the following suggestions from Beverly B. Palmer, Ph.D., professor and clinical psychologist.

  • Volunteer

Think about who you would get the most satisfaction from helping.  Would it be children, the homeless, migrants, senior citizens?  Then, search online for where you might be most needed. VolunteerMatch.organd CreateTheGood.org are two sites that list volunteer opportunities in your community. Not only would you be making a positive change, you would be meeting others with similar values.

  • Foster or Adopt a Pet

You may find a pet to be a loving companion. A cat can give you comfort as it curls up on your lap, while a dog will get you out of your house on a daily basis where you will meet neighbors and other doggie lovers at the park. You then instantly have something in common with those around you and something to talk about. Petting a dog or cat releases the “love hormone”, oxytocin, in both the person’s and pet’s brains, according to a group of Swedish researchers.  Oxytocin creates a feeling of being loved and insures a strong bond, so your pet can help you feel less lonely.  Contact your local pet adoption group or borrow a friend’s pet before taking the plunge.

  • Join a Special Interest Group

If you have a hobby you could join a group of people who share that interest. Every city has an abundance of special interest groups, professional association functions, alumni events, and civic organization meetings. Find group activities on websites such as meetup.com. These may involve hiking, cooking, developing a new skill, discussing a topic, or participating in a sport.

  • Sign up for a Course or Fitness Center’s Program

If you have a regularly scheduled event where you are with other people, you already have a way not to be lonely during the upcoming Valentine’s Day.  Seek out adult classes that interest you at your local university, or join a gym.  Both men and women are attracted to the other’s sweat, reports a Swiss study, which explains why health clubs are such popular hunting grounds! Don’t forget to reach out and connect to others by asking for advice or noticing when someone needs help.  Don’t wait for someone to find you—smile and start talking with someone who is engaged in the activity with you.

  • Read a Good Book

Visit your library or bookstore. Selecting a book from browsing the shelves gives you an opportunity to interact with others before going home to read. Escape to another world through an engrossing fiction.  Learn something new through a helpful nonfiction book, such as Love Demystified: Strategies for a Successful Love Life, which will give you even more suggestions on how to avoid the Valentine’s Day blues.

The Science Behind Why We Find Certain People Attractive

Give Love This Christmas

christmas-gift-ideas-2.jpgNeed a unique Christmas gift for the young adult on your list?  Help them have a successful love life with Love Demystified: Strategies for a Successful Love Life.

No matter where on the road to love someone is, this book will help them to avoid or work through the inevitable bumps along the way.  This book gives tips on each stage of a relationship, from finding a partner and making sure it is the right “one”, to creating a lasting love.

Instead of opinionated advice one might get on the internet or from their social media, this book gives them tips and techniques based on the science of what actually works.  The gift keeps giving because they will refer to it both now and throughout the years, because as their love life evolves new chapters will become relevant.

Available as a paperback or e-book at Amazon.com (amzn.to/2Kft05b or amzn.to/2YvQJls).

Oh, and if you are a young adult who is reading this, buy a copy of Love Demystified: Strategies for a Successful Love Life for yourself (and maybe even one for a friend).

A (Short) Guide To Better Boundaries

I was honored to contribute to this article which appeared on Page 5 of the Wellness Section in the Sunday New York Times on October 30th. boundriesblog

Why Do I Use Baby Talk With Pets? Experts Say Your Habit Has Its Perks

BY MARISA CASCIANO

EliteDaily.com

OCT 8, 2019

As I get older, I’m becoming more aware of my quirks, such as my ability to fall asleep in the middle of a crowded room, and the fact that I throw a hot popcorn bag in the sink instead of the trash.But when it comes to my interactions with cute animals — ranging fromfully grown dogs to tiny kittens — I take things to another level. I’ve gotten into the habit of changing my voice to a higher pitch when I speak to animals. It didn’t occur to me until recently that some might consider this odd, but now I kind of agree. Why do I use baby talk with pets?

I’m well aware I’m not the only one who does this, but when I step away from the overwhelming joy I feel at the sight of a cute pet, I wonder why I drastically change the tone of my voice to higher octaves when I talk to cats, or introduce words like “doodle” and “nugget” into my vocabulary when interacting with dogs.

The way I touch my finger to the top of a puppy’s wet nose and say, “Boop!” or squeal when I rub my cat’s belly when she rolls over, isn’t unique or overly concerning. But it is basically the same way a new mom would play with her 4-month-old child, or react when that same child takes their first steps. So, it was time to figure out why.

In an interview with Elite Daily, Courtney Glashow, LCSW, owner, and psychotherapist at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, NJ, says baby talk is a natural instinct that stems from wanting to connect with a pet on a deeper level. She notes when you use this kind ofhigh-pitched and slow speech to talk to actual babies, you’re acknowledging they can’t understand you yet, but are able to react, hopefully in a positive way. As a result, you opt for this kind of speech because “usually babies react well to it and some pets may as well.”

Beverly B. Palmer, Ph.D., professor emeritus from the psychology department at California State University, Dominguez Hills, and author of Love Demystified: Strategies for a Successful Love Lifereveals baby talk can even be effective when you want to discipline your pet. This kind of speech can even come in handy when you want your furry friend to listen and behave, in addition to showing them you enjoy their company.

LIKE A HUMAN BABY, OUR PET NEEDS TO BE PROTECTED (NOT YELLED AT), IS DEPENDENT, AND FULFILLS OUR NEED TO BE NEEDED, WHICH IS EQUATED WITH BEING LOVED.

In a study from the U.S. National Library of Medicine titled, “Oxytocin enhances the appropriate use of human social cues by the domestic dog (Canis familiaris) in an object choice task,” 62 pet dogs — 31 males, 31 females — were given intranasal oxytocin (otherwise known as the “cuddle hormone” or “love hormone”) or a saline control before a session where they were supposed to respond to pointing or gazing cues. During those sessions, the oxytocin improved the dog’s performance; they reacted more positively when responding to human cues.

In layman’s terms, the “love hormone” made the dogs feel more connected to their humans and willing to be disciplined. Palmer suggests this means that, rather than using a stern voice when your pet isn’t doing something they should, you can keep talking to your pet like you would a baby and encourage them that way. In essence, your love goes a long way.

Based on their positive reactions in this study, it seems like most domesticated canines appreciate the higher-pitched way of speaking you (and I) have become so accustomed to using, because baby talkgives them a sense of love and affection they rely on.”Like a human baby, our pet needs to be protected (not yelled at), is dependent, and fulfills our need to be needed, which is equated with being loved,” Palmer tells Elite Daily via email.

Manhattan psychologist Dr. Joseph Cilona tells Elite Daily “exaggerating pronunciation of vowels and consonants” and using a higher pitch when you’re talking to an infantcan really help you bond with them. He says when it comes to talking to your pet, you can expect a similar effect and result, especially if you incorporate certain words and phrases.

Like Palmer, Cilona points to research. He says in the study conducted by Alex Benjamin and Katie Slocombe titled, “Who’s a good boy?! Dogs prefer naturalistic dog-directed speech,” research revealed puppies are more responsive and attentive to speech when it was directed toward them. The authors in the study “argue that DDS may have a functional value in puppies, but not adult dogs.” This speech includes dog-friendly phrases like, “Good dog!” and “Treat?” and proved fur babies will be attracted to humans who are addressing them with these phrases and specific “acoustic properties,” like a higher pitch or tone, according to the study.

OUR PETS ARE SMALLER THAN WE ARE, SO THEY REMIND US OF HOW WE TREAT OUR LITTLE HUMANS.

However, even if your pup responds well to being called “nugget” in a very high-pitched voice, you should be careful about when and where you opt for baby talk. Glashow says you might not always be in the right setting for it. You may find your habit creeping into other relationships and interactions where it doesn’t fit.

“Our pets are smaller than we are, so they remind us of how we treat our little humans,” Palmer says, and that’s definitely true for me. In some way, when I look at a tiny kitten or fluffy golden retriever puppy, my mind instantly goes to the same place as when I’m interacting with my cousin’s adorable 2-year-old. However, that doesn’t necessarily mean my habit is welcomed or in the right. According to Glashow, it may not be appropriate in professional settings, like an office party with a pet present, or in scenarios where others don’t have a pet or child and aren’t familiar with baby talk.

Ultimately, though, you can go about your usual business and embrace your baby talk, especially when you’re talking to your own pet.You can cuddle up with your bunny, German shepherd, Maine coon, or sweet rescue, and tell them they’re the greatest pet in the entire world in an incredibly high octave. You can reach the same falsetto notes while booping your puppy’s nose or reminding your new kitten they are so loved. I’ll be somewhere in the world doing the same thing, and not wondering why I do it anymore. This seemingly weird habit? Explained.

What It Really Means If Your Love Language Is ‘Acts Of Service’

mad cat

Show me, don’t tell me.

BY ARYELLE SICLAIT

JUL 26, 2019

If you want to know why you do the things you do, you might look to your zodiac sign. For intel about your social tendencies, maybe your Myers-Briggs personality. But for understanding what makes you feel special in a relationship? Well, that’s one for love languages.

If you’ve read up on anything related to relationships and romance, like, ever, there’s a good chance you’ve come across Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages at some point in your research (or, okay, at girls night).

A quick rundown: If compliments make you melt, your love language is probably Words of Affirmation. If you thrive on the thoughtfulness behind a present, Receiving Gifts is yours. Look forward to dinners for two all weeklong? That’s Quality Time. And if you’re all about holding hands or you feel most connected during sex, you speak the language of Physical Touch.

The language that tends to get a bad rap (aside from Receiving Gifts, which isn’t about materialism, btw), however, is Acts of Service. It describes people whose hearts swell at the thought of coming home to dinner on the table with the promise of an empty sink or a foot rub for dessert. If this sounds like you, you feel most loved when people do things for you, not just with you or to you.

But here’s the thing: The Acts of Service language doesn’t make you a high-maintenance or lazy nag. All it means is that, for you, actions truly speak louder than words. 

Okay, tell me more—what does ‘Acts of Service’ say about me?

At its core, this language is about demonstrations of love.

Since saying “I love you” doesn’t actually guarantee that the speaker means it, some people respond better to seeing someone show their feelings, says Beverly Palmer, PhD, clinical psychologist, professor emeritus at California State University, Dominguez Hills, and author of Love Demystified

That’s not to say you have trust issues (though it’s possible), or that you’re overly dependent (or codependent) on other people. In fact, you’re most likely super self-sufficient and ambitious.

That’s exactly what makes you respond to this language: If someone can recognize all that you do on your own and wants to step in to help make your life a little easier, that, to you, is real love.

Their actions are actually less about the deed itself and more about showing you that they are on your team.

If your partner goes out of their way to pick your sister up from the airport, or call the realtor so you don’t have to, you hear “I care about you enough to sacrifice my own time for your benefit.” And that’s not something you find every day. 

Is Acts of Service ever a bad thing?

Okay, brace yourself: Acts of Service can be a little problematic if you’re not super self-aware.

While every relationship should be about balance, where both partners get their needs equally met, having this particular love language could make you more susceptible to letting expectations get in the way of an otherwise happy and healthy situation. In other words, if you think your partner should be doing X or Y for you, rather than letting them choose how to show their support, you could self-sabotage your bond.

“Unbalanced relationships where one person expects too much and thinks their partner must meet those expectations to prove that they love them” is when things get tricky, Palmer says. No one wants a relationship that comes with a list of chores.

Think about it: At work, you’d be put off by a new employee who feels like they’re entitled to certain things before they’ve even shown their commitment to the company. Similarly, your partner should feel like their demonstrations of love are reciprocated and their choice, at their will—not your demand. 

Want a stronger relationship? Steal this couple’s secrets:

Gotcha. So if this is my love language, how do I make a relationship work?

Communication, communication, oh, and um, some more communication.

When acts of service are involved, there’s no room for assumptions, says Palmer. Assuming your S.O. knows which acts of service you value most and expecting them to perform them at all is a surefire way to make your partner feel taken advantage of.

So here’s how to be straightforward without demanding anything in return:

Do

  • Clearly tell your partner which acts of service you value.This way they can prioritize those actions, Palmer says. Frame it in a way that explains why their help means something to you, like: “I haven’t been getting much sleep lately—would you mind walking the dog in the morning so I can sleep in a little longer?”

    If you have a hard time expressing your needs, talking to a therapist can help you feel more comfortable. Either way, if you prefer to be more subtle, try telling your partner about a time a friend or family member did something for you that meant a lot to you, suggests Palmer.

  • Acknowledge what your partner’s doing—say thank you.It sounds duh, but especially in if you’ve been together for a while, you may not notice some of the things they’re doing to show you you’re their #1. 

    So to ensure they never feel taken for granted, after you talk through which acts of service are major for you, keep an eye out for when they actually do them (or something similar). Say: “Hey, I noticed you picked up the dry-cleaning today while I was stuck at work. I’m going to need those pants this week, so thank you so much for doing that.” 

  • Learn the ways your partner feels most loved.There’s a chance they “speak” a different love language than you do (they might need touch or feel extra special when you tell them how impressed you are by their brain), so do what you can to suss out their love language. Straight-up talk about it (Palmer promises the convo won’t be awkward as long as you keep things positive), or tune in to what makes them light up day to day. 

    Once you figure it out, keep that intel top of mind and create opportunities to speak their language (surprise them with a massage, bring home their favorite cookie…you get the idea). Otherwise, you’ll find these acts of service you crave become less and less frequent when your S.O. isn’t feeling the love from you.

Don’t

  • Expect your partner to read your mind.While, yeah, it’s the thought that counts, if certain actions will make you feel especially warm and fuzzy inside, speak up. 
  • Scoff at no. Remember, acts of service really lose their meaning if they’re not at your partner’s will. So be okay with hearing “Sorry, I can’t right now,” and trust that if they could, they would. If you feel like they’re always turning down your needs, it may be a good opp to visit a couples counselor. Communication is everything, after all.
  • Fully rely on your partner to pick up your slack.Even if your partner has your back, keep up with your own responsibilities so they can live their life, too. Dumping your daily tasks on them, Palmer says, is a one-way ticket to Splitsville. 

Bottom line: The Acts of Service love language is just as legit as all the others. Don’t let anyone (including yourself) shame you for it.

As long as you’re offering your partner the biggest service of all—speaking their love language in return—go on and enjoy that empty dishwasher, guilt-free.

ARYELLE SICLAIT Assistant EditorAryelle Siclait is an assistant editor at Women’s Health.

 

Love in the Age of Social Media

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You meet someone on line.  Then you text.  Then you meet for coffee.  But why do so many of these possible lovers turn into duds?

Maybe it is because what is presented online is not who the person really is.  Or maybe it is because spending so much time with people online leaves no time to build relationship skills.

So, what should you look for offline in a possible partner?  And how do you best present yourself offline?

Online

To find the partner you really want, make a list of the qualities of that person that you feel are important for a good relationship.  Then prioritize these qualities.  The first three priorities will then become what you will look for in online descriptions and what you will try to ascertain during your first offline visit.  If one or more of your first three priorities are not listed in that person’s online description, move on.  A person who really has those qualities will list them rather than just presenting superficial desirable qualities.

Offline

Or, if it seems that none of the online descriptions contains your priorities, you need to move offline.  Offline places to meet possible partners are: meetup groups (meetup.com), volunteering sites, universities.

Now you are having that first meeting with a potential partner.  How do you present yourself?  Do you have the relationship skills to succeed?

Everyone wants someone who is a good listener.  Instead of focusing on the anxiety you feel about this first meeting, focus on the other person.  Listen to what that person is saying and show you listened by repeating back a snippet of what was said.  All you really need to do during the first meeting is listen because listening is the number one relationship skill.

You might also want to assess how good of a listener the other person is.  Since two people showing they are really listening to each other could be the start of a loving relationship.

(To find out more ways to meet a potential partner read Love Demystified: Strategies for a Successful Love Life by Beverly B. Palmer, Ph.D.)

Want More Intimacy in Your Relationship?

wedding-1770860_640

“I want us to be more intimate,“ she says.  “Intimate,” he thinks, “that must mean she wants more sex.”

Men and women often mean very different things when they think about intimacy.  Women often are asking for more emotional closeness when they ask for more intimacy.  Men, on the other hand, sometimes confuse sexual and emotional closeness.  Some men might even admit that they have no clue what a woman is asking for when she asks for more intimacy.  And some men and women can use sexual intimacy as a substitute for emotional closeness.

What, then, is intimacy?

 Intimacy is the ability to engage in close and reciprocal relationships, to engage in cooperative behavior for mutual benefit, and to flexibly respond to the range of others’ ideas, emotions, and behaviors.  Engaging in cooperative behavior for mutual benefit is a good description of sexual intimacy as well as emotional intimacy. 

Intimacy strengthens close relationships and fosters mutual growth.  Intimacy is needed even in platonic relationships because it promotes positive interactions in dyads and teams working towards a mutual goal.

What interferes with creating intimacy?

Intimacy involves giving and receiving understanding and support.  Some people tend to receive but not give.  What can hold you back from giving fully of yourself in a relationship is a need to defend against hurt.  Or you may be so judgmental and defensive that you do not respond flexibly to other’s ideas.

How does a couple create emotional intimacy?

In order to create emotional intimacy, you have to let go of your defensiveness.  You need to listen to the other person with a non-judgmental ear.  And you need to be willing to be non-defensively open in what you share with the other person.  When you are together, talking and listening with these attitudes increases emotional intimacy. 

Intimacy is an essential skill in loving relationships and Dr. Beverly Palmer shows how intimacy can be developed in her recently released book, Love Demystified: Strategies for a Successful Love Life.

Love is a Science

science-experiment

Presenting the Scientific Basis of Love

By Beverly B. Palmer, PhD

The article below was just published today (July 30) in the Association for Women in Science Magazine, Summer 2018

Love Demystified: Strategies for a Successful Love Life began in 1985, on my one-semester sabbatical, because I wanted to present the scientific basis of loving relationships.

There had been an explosion of research articles on loving relationships in journals until 1975, when U.S. Senator William Proxmire gave a Golden Fleece Award to the National Science Foundation for spending $84,000 on a study about love, He reasoned:

I object to this not only because no one—not even the National Science Foundation—can argue that falling in love is a science; not only because I’m sure that even if they spend $84 million or $84 billion they wouldn’t get an answer that anyone would believe. I’m also against it because I don’t want the answer,

I believe that 200 million other Americans want to leave some things in life a mystery, and right on top of the things we don’t want to know is why a man falls in love with a woman and vice versa.

This just spurred me on to bring the latest scientific research to the public. Furthermore, I wanted to present this research in a user-friendly format.

After I finished the book, which I initially titled, Love Life, an agent began working to find a publisher for it. However, he died suddenly, and then let life (work, child-care, aging parent care) interfere. I stuffed the manuscript into a box, which eventually landed in my garage.

Fast-forward thirty years: Standing in my garage, looking up at all the boxes piled high on shelves, I realized that when I’m gone, my son will come in and throw everything in the dumpster. So, i began a campaign to clean out the garage.

Among Christmas cards from long ago and lecture notes that were hopelessly outdated, found the lost manuscript. As I skimmed through its 185 pages my thirty-year-older and more experienced brain realized that this manuscript was not the best. Yet, my editorial self could not let it go.

I realized I had been continuing to read journal articles and books that presented research on love and that I had even been using some of this material in my lectures. So, I began rewriting the manuscript, bringing it up-to-date with the latest scientific evidence. And then I rewrote it and rewrote it, finding my voice and the best way to relate to my audience along the way,

I again was spurred on by current events. A book on love hit the nonfiction bestseller list But this book was written by a pastor, and it presented opinions not science. Similarly, most of the websites giving relationship advice contained only opinions. A book on scientific evidence about love was very much needed

Besides presenting advice based on scientific findings, I wanted to include the entire experience of adult love—from how people meet, fall in love. create love, and fat} out of love to how they come to love again. I wanted young adults to read this book before they got into a serious relationship. In that way, they might become aware of the red flags to watch out for. Newlyweds could read this book so, when the excitement of passionate and romantic love started to fade, they would know how to build a love that lasts, Couples in a long-term relationship could discover how to cope with negative feelings of anger and hate, as well as how to resolve conflicts satisfactorily. I also wanted to reach people who have lost a love, so that they could more deeply understand their feelings and even love again.

The challenge was to make reading this book relatable and entertaining for a general audience. To flesh out the scientific findings, I included lively case studies from my private practice. To increase reader involvement, I included many self-assessments that could also be shared with one’s partner, In the preface, I even encouraged readers to leave the book open to a page they want their partner to notice.

Scientific research provides powerful and practical tools that you can use to solve your love life I want to share some of these tools, described in my recently released book, Love Demystified: Strategies for a Successful Love Life, which you can use to make your love last.

Science says there are three attitudes essential for a love that lasts—empathy, acceptance, and appreciation—ail crucial not only for a maturing and lasting adult partnership but also for parent-child relationships. Empathizing and telling each other that you do understand the partner’s perspective prevents and even resolves many conflicts. John Gottman has shown that it is the proportion of negative to positive statements that predicts an unhappy relationship and even one that leads to dissolution, Similarly, a 1 to 5 proportion of positive to negative statements can preempt or even de-escalate negative interactions during a conflict. Empathetic statements are intensely positive statements, and empathetic statements can even help resolve conflicts in one’s professional life.

Acceptance means valuing a partner’s uniqueness, both their strengths and weaknesses, rather than judging or criticizing them, Your partner’s behavior might irritate you, but you dont have to direct your upset at your partner as a person. You can, instead, let your partner know you are just commenting on the behavior and that you still value your partner as a person.

The third ingredient is letting each other know, every day in many different ways, how much you appreciate each other, There are many ways to show appreciation. Noticing what your partner is saying or doing and commenting favorably on it is one way. Hugs, smiles, and saying, “Thank you,” show that you value having your partner in your life. Take a moment right now to show your partner some appreciation—today and every day.

A personal note I would like to add is that my husband and I recently celebrated our fiftieth wedding anniversary. I guess some of the evidence-based advice I wrote about was tested in our relationship to see if it really worked.

References

Algoe, S. B., Haidt, L, & Gable, S. L. (2008), Beyond reciprocity:

Gratitude and relationships in everyday life. Emotion, 8, 425—429. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/ PMC2692821/

Hatfield, E., and Walster, G. W. (1978). A New Look at Love. University Press of America. p. viii. https•flbit.ly/2rWRMgW

Gottman, and Levenson R, W. (1992). Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: Behavior, physiology, and health. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 63, 221-233.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/1403613

Rogers, C. R. (1961) On becoming a person. Boston, MA: Houghton Mifflin, pp. 342-344.

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