The new year can bring regrets and resolutions to do better in the future. Yet, reminding yourself about these regrets can stop you from giving yourself the love you need to have a happy future.
Many psychologists, including Erich Fromm, have asserted that you can’t fully love another person until you fill love yourself. So how do you do this? You have to stop judging yourself. And stop seeking others’ approval of you.
You Are Unique
Instead of judging parts of yourself as good or bad, you can see yourself as just a unique human with weaknesses and strengths. You are lovable because you are this unique individual, this whole and real person.
Negatively Judging Yourself
What is it specifically that you don’t accept about yourself? Try this short assessment by filling in the rest of each sentence.
I failed to…
I shouldn’t have…
I wish I were…
People would say I am…
I am proud of…
Do some of your responses indicate that you regard yourself as only conditionally acceptable? Are you starting to realize how harshly you judge yourself and how much you rely on the approval of others? Can you change your negatively biased self-referencing beliefs to more helpful ones?
Change the Negative to Neutral
For example, can you tell yourself you did the best you could do at the time and forgive your mistakes? You probably let the mistakes other people make slide so why not do that for yourself?
Focus on the Present
Instead of dwelling on the past, can you pull your mind back into the present? When you let your mind go back into the past, you see yourself as you were in the past and discount who you are now, in the present. Staying in the present gives you a fresh start to be all that you are.
Love Your Uniqueness
Can you accept that you do have some weaknesses, but those are what make you a unique person, so you don’t have to hide or become defensive about them? You are a unique individual, with your own set of strengths and weaknesses. That does not make you better than or less than another person—just different—and you are usually loved for that difference. You no longer need to seek approval from others because you have given yourself approval of both your strengths and weaknesses.
Can you accept yourself just as you are now—unconditionally—free of any qualifications? If you catch yourself judging your appearance, personality, or actions, let that judgment go. Replace the judgment with a loving kindness towards yourself. Judging one’s self is the opposite of loving one’s self.
Now that you have given yourself this unconditional love you can begin to give it to others.
President Elect Biden must now unite us in meeting the challenges of the pandemic, the economy, the climate, and social ills. To do this, he can use a powerful tool of science, modeling.
Modeling is observing a person showing a particular behavior and then engaging in that behavior. One learns to behave a certain way just by observing a person behaving that way. And, if the model gets a reward for a particular behavior, it is even more likely the observer will engage in that behavior.
For example, watching a person on a television program or on social media show kindness and honesty in interactions with others, inspires the viewer to show kindness and honesty. The viewer might also see that person rewarded for those behaviors by the recipient smiling and saying “thank you”. Likewise, watching a person insulting others and repeating lies increases those behaviors in the viewer, especially if there is a reward for doing so. The reward can be as simple as then feeling superior over others.
When the President of the United States models bigotry and lying, followers see these behaviors as ones that will get them what they want. When the President of the United States models respect and honesty, followers will show each other the same.
President Elect Biden can demonstrate listening with empathy and then acting with compassion. If he models these behaviors on social media, he can heal the divide as more and more people begin to show these behaviors towards each other.
If he models these behaviors in his interactions with politicians, he will increase the chance that those politicians will also show these behaviors in developing a consensus where everyone wins.
Modeling is such a powerful learning device that even advertisers use it to get viewers to buy their product. Martin Luther King, Jr. and Mahatma Gandhi were prosocial models who were able to inspire global social change. Now President Elect Biden will have no difficulty consistently modeling prosocial behaviors that are his second nature. These behaviors will then bring us together to create a better country for all of us. We will learn to listen to each other rather than denigrating those who think or act differently from us. Empathy, respect, compassion, and honesty come naturally to him. And, because these are the behaviors of love, if we all start showing them, they can replace hate.
Bandura, A. (1986., Social foundations of thought and action: A social cognitive theory. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice-Hall. (pp. 169-195).
Bandura, A. (1965). Influence of models’ reinforcement contingencies on the acquisition of imitative responses. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 1, 589-595.
Working from home, taking care of children who are doing online schooling, missing social contact and get-a-ways all are creating heightened stress. Some days it may feel like you want to cave in from all the stress. Other days you may feel you are able to handle everything.
Being able to handle stress is known as being resilient. To find out how resilient you are, take the following short quiz from Davidson and Begley’s book The Emotional Life of the Brain.
Answer each question True or False. If you are tempted to think long and hard about a question, or if you feel that there are too many nuances and exceptions, resist. The most accurate results come from making a snap judgment about whether a question is true or false about you.
If I have a minor disagreement with a close friend or spouse—closer to “No, it’s your turn to do the dishes” than “You cheated on me!”—it typically leaves me out of sorts for hours or longer.
If another driver uses the shoulder to zoom up to the front of a long line of traffic waiting to merge, I am likely to shake it off easily rather than fume about it for a long time.
When I have experienced profound grief, such as the death of someone close to me, it has interfered with my ability to function for many months.
If I make a mistake at work and get reprimanded for it, I can shrug it off and take it as a learning experience.
If I try a new restaurant and find that the food is awful and the service snooty, it ruins my whole evening.
If I’m stuck in traffic because of an accident up ahead, when I pass the bottleneck I typically floor it to vent my frustration but still see the inside.
If my home water heater breaks, it does not affect my mood very much because I know I can just call a plumber and get it fixed.
If I meet a wonderful man/woman and ask if he/she would like to get together again, being told no typically puts me in a bad mood for hours or even days.
If I am being considered for an important professional award or promotion and it goes to someone I consider less qualified, I can usually move on quickly.
At a party, if I’m having a conversation with an interesting stranger and get completely – when he/she asks me about myself, I tend to replay the conversation—this time including what I should have said—for hours or even days afterward.
Give yourself one point for each True answer to questions 1,3,5,6,8, and 10. Give yourself zero points for each False answer. Give yourself one point for each False answer to questions 2,4,7, and 9; score zero points for each True answer. Anything above seven suggests you are Slow to Recover. If you scored below three, you are Fast to Recover and thus quite Resilient.
If you want to be more resilient, change what you are saying to yourself. Instead of replaying self-recrimination or angry thoughts, notice what you are saying to yourself and change the message. For example, you might be thinking, “If I just had not been so critical, my ex would still be with me.” Change this message to, “It was a hard lesson to learn, but I am grateful that I now know how to be less critical.” You are then less hard on yourself and it is compassion, not criticism, that facilitates greater resiliency.
Another thought that needs to be dispelled in order to become more resilient is “Everyday is the same and it will never end.” Realize that there will be an end to this crisis, even though it is difficult to do so during the crisis. Knowing that some of your present stressors will not be present in the future helps you to have a more positive mindset. Then you can meet each day with renewed vigor rather than a feeling of depletion.
Davidson, Richard J. and Begley, Sharon (2012) The Emotional Life of Your Brain. New York: Hudson Street Press.
What all these wise people knew was that to get love, you have to give love. Give a love that is a deep caring for the well being of another person. That person may not look like you, act like you, or even believe in what you believe. But you can extend a loving hand to that person.
One of the best ways to extend a loving hand is through volunteering to enhance the well being of others. Volunteering can be anything from giving your time to giving your skills to help another person. Most important is the care you are giving that person. A gentle touch or a loving word can mean so much to someone who is isolated or in need.
“But what is the love you are receiving by volunteering?” you may ask. Indeed, you may not feel like the other person reciprocated or even thanked you. Yet, it is in the giving, not the receiving that you feel love.
Doing something nice for another person gives you the social connection you may have been longing for. And it makes you feel better because you are focusing on someone else instead of the anxiety and loneliness you may be feeling. Indeed, research has shown that oxytocin, the “feel good” neurotransmitter, spikes in some people who regularly volunteer. The increase in oxytocin also helps you to better manage stressful events.
Finally, volunteering gives you a sense of purpose. When you are isolated not only do you miss the social connection but you also start losing a sense of purpose. You can find meaning and direction (as well as an activity to just get out of the house) by helping others.
As you can see, the secrete the ancients knew is supported by today’s research into giving to others. So, now get out there and do for others what you would want done for you. Share the love.
Maskhole: An individual who wears a mask in a way that makes it completely ineffective—e.g., below the nose, under the chin, on the back of the head.
Face naked: The state of facial exposure that occurs when an individual declines to wear a mask in public. For example, “Pence went all face naked to the Mayo Clinic.”
Body mullet: What most people wear on Zoom calls: a nice top and, below the waist, underwear or less. (“Business up top, party down below.”)
The novid-19: The nineteen minutes after a too-close interaction with a maskless stranger during which you experience a thickness in your throat and a certainty that you’re dying. This sometimes lasts longer if frantic hand washing, antiseptic gargling, and estate planning are not readily available.
Overdistancing: When the guy in front of you in line has a metric understanding of the six in six feet, allowing twenty feet to open up between him and the next person in line, which then allows others to interpret that next person as the end of the line and to cut in front of you.
Domino distancing: When the person behind you in line stands too close, causing you to crowd the person in front of you, and on and on until everyone dies.
Emotional distancing: Deciding that now really isn’t the time to make big decisions about a relationship or, for that matter, to have a conversation about it.
Covideo: A short video featuring a quarantined individual’s child doing something adorable and/or profane, the public sharing of which falls somewhere between cute and a cry for help.
Stockholm syndrome: The assumption that everyone would be just fine without any government restrictions.
Someday, Noneday, Whoseday?, Whensday?, Blursday, Whyday?, Doesn’tmatterday: Days of the week.
Parenting: The ability to figure out why the PlayStation isn’t working with the Wi-Fi.
Body Zoom-morphia: Finding your own image on a group video call so unappealing that you are unable to focus on anything else.
Quorumtine: The minimum number of family members necessary to decide what to watch on TV.
Pan-demic: A potentially dangerous increase in the baking of bread in a quarantined home.
covid-30: Formerly covid-15; the amount of weight gained by an average adult during quarantine. Sometimes related to a pan-demic.
Helter shelter: That moment in the quarantine day when everything seems dirty and chaotic and you feel like saying, “Fuck it, let’s go outside. I don’t care if we die and a bunch of other people do, too.”
Flattening the curve: Trying to fit into your jeans after three months of sweatpants. (See covid-30.)
Germophobe: Formerly, crazy people (e.g., Howard Hughes); now everyone except crazy people.
Before the social distancing and isolation brought on by Covid-19, there was an epidemic of loneliness in the United States. A recent poll identified three out of every five Americans as suffering from chronic loneliness. Among millennials the percentage is even higher.
With Covid-19 even more Americans feel lonely. It’s not just about being physically alone. It’s a feeling that no one really cares about you. Yes, there is social contact online and by telephone. There is maybe even talking with someone six feet away. But none of this contact is the same as interacting with co-workers or others on site. The deep connection is missing.
Several of the patients in my practice as a clinical psychologist tell me they feel the pain of not being touched physically nor emotionally day after day. They begin to think of themselves as not really mattering to anyone.
Because I am also a psychology professor, I try to give my patients some ways of thinking about being alone that psychologists have found are helpful.
Realize Loneliness Is a Label about Yourself Put on a Feeling
Being alone can create a feeling of emptiness, anxiety, dis-ease. Humans are social animals with a need to bond with others. When this need is not satisfied, there is a feeling of lack. Yet, it is not the lack itself, but the label attached to this lack that creates the pain of loneliness.
In trying to figure out why there is not someone there for you, you might label yourself as not loveable. Or you think that something is wrong with you, which whomever you are with will quickly notice. That lonely feeling, then, comes from thinking of oneself as a loser. And when you label yourself as a loser you lose the motivation to begin or renew a relationship with others. You then isolate even more, creating the very conditions that are distressing you.
Notice and Then Change What You Are Saying to Yourself
If you thought of yourself as loveable you might be more comfortable being alone. And you might also be more willing to seek out opportunities to be with others.
But how do you see yourself as more loveable? First, notice what you are saying to yourself that is not helpful. Are you labeling yourself as flawed and that everyone eventually will see those flaws? That is a sure way to not venture out of your shell. Now change the flawed message to one that is more helpful. Identify some of your attractive qualities and remember these each time you see yourself negatively. In this way, the flaws are balanced out with the attractive qualities.
Reach Out to Others
Now you are ready to connect with others. Yes, you will have to initiate the connection. That can be uncomfortable but, if you are now giving yourself the message that you have some positive qualities to share with others, it might be a little easier to reach out to others.
Yet, another thought might quickly enter your mind and keep you from taking action to connect with others. You might be thinking, “When I’m with others I think they are constantly evaluating me—what I say, how I look, what I do.” That self-talk holds you back so you have to change it into something more helpful.
Challenge that thought by saying “I will focus on the other person instead of focusing on the anxiety I feel when I feel I’m being evaluated.” Focusing on the other person instead of yourself takes the pressure off of what you are feeling.
Let the other person know what you noticed or heard instead of worrying about what you should reply. Stay with this stance. Everyone wants to be acknowledged as noticed and heard. It starts the connection and it deepens it.
Where to Find Others
If you don’t have some friends or relatives that you can reconnect with, try volunteering to help others. Volunteering increases your sense of really mattering to someone, which is the opposite of what you might have been thinking when you were isolating.
Think about who you would get the most satisfaction from helping. Would it be children, teenagers, adults in special circumstances, senior citizens? Then do an online search for where you might be most needed. The search terms would be the name of your city and the word, “volunteer”. Or, you can make the search more specific, by adding the name of the group you would like to help (e.g. neighbors, homeless, migrants, special needs). VolunteerMatch.com and CreateTheGood.com are two sites that list volunteer opportunities in your local community. Not only would you be making a positive change in your community, you would be meeting other people who are also volunteering. And in this time of the Covid-19 crisis, so many people need so much help.
If you want to help but still want to stay home, there are many ways you can volunteer virtually. You won’t have quite the same experience of connection but you are taking the first step in reaching out to others.
Thus, by opening up your mind and focusing on the needs and words of others you will start to recover from loneliness.
You meet someone on line. Then you text. Then you Zoom or, if possible, meet for coffee. But why, as the interaction increases, do so many of these possible lovers turn into duds?
Maybe it is because what is presented online is not who the person really is. Or maybe it is because spending so much time with people online leaves no time to build relationship skills.
So, what should you look for online in a possible partner? And how do you best present yourself online?
To find the partner you really want, make a list of the qualities of that person that you feel are important for a good relationship. Consider whether you are looking for a short-term or a long-term relationship because, in one study, both men and women focused on sexual desirability when evaluating a prospective short-term relationship. They cited qualities such as physical attractiveness and athleticism. Yet, when a long-term relationship is desired, honesty, warmth, kindness, and intelligence were cited.
Next, prioritize these qualities. The first three priorities will then become what you will look for in online descriptions. A person who really has those qualities will list them rather than just presenting superficial desirable qualities.
If only one of the qualities you desire is listed, you can use later interactions to ask questions that might elicit the other qualities or even some surprising other desirable qualities. For example, you could ask what qualities the online prospect is looking for. Then you will know whether there is a mismatch in what you both are seeking. Or you could ask about a time when the person told a lie and how they felt about it.
What you often do not see immediately online are some qualities that are red flags. Everyone is initially trying to present an ideal self. And you might be so enamored at the beginning that you are blind to the subtle cues that indicate that person is not a keeper. Often, it isn’t until you are much deeper into the relationship that these red flags begin to show. For example, does the person want others to do things their way; blow hot and cold; get highly threatened by differences of opinion? (More of these red flags can be found in Beverly Palmer’s Love Demystified: Strategies for a Successful Love Life). We all show some of these characteristics some of the time but it is the insistence and persistence of them that create problems in relationships.
How do you find out about characteristics that do not bode well for a long-term relationship when you are just interacting online? One strategy is to ask how they would react in a given situation. Ask, “If someone interrupted you when you were trying to tell them something important, what would you feel and what would you do?” Or, “Tell me about a time when you were disappointed because someone didn’t think or act the way you expected them to.”
Now focus on yourself. How are you presenting yourself online? There is not a long list of qualities you have to have in order to be loveable. There is only one main thing you have to do: listen to the other person. Online communication or texting can present some impediments to getting the full message that is being communicated. But, if you pause before shooting off your reply, you can pick up the essence of the message and you can let your partner know what that essence is.
Everyone wants to be listened to and acknowledged that they were heard. Showing you have listened to others makes them feel appreciated and valued. They then love you because you make them feel this way.
To listen closely enough to the other person to understand what they are trying to communicate is not easy. First you have to de-center and focus on the other. You have to let go of any anxiety or concern about how you should respond. Focus entirely on the other person instead of what you are thinking or feeling. After you have heard what was said, do not give your instant reaction. Instead, repeat back the essence of what you heard. After you have acknowledged that you understood what was communicated, you can say what is important to you. Throughout your conversation you have to let the other person know you have listened before stating your point of view.
You might also want to assess how good of a listener the other person is. Since two people showing they are really listening to each other could be the start of a loving relationship.
Regan, P.C., Levin, L., Sprecher, S., Christopher, F.S. & Gate, R. (2000). Partner preferences: What characteristics do men and women desire in their short-term sexual and long-term romantic partners?. Journal of Psychology and Human Sexuality. 12 (3), 1-21. https:// doi.org/10.1300/J056v12n03_0
Here’s How to Keep the People You Are Cooped Up with from Getting on Your Nerves
Sue and Sam are both working from home (and their tiny home is feeling tinier by the minute). Alisha is bored out of her mind and has never felt so alone even though she rooms with Jordan. And then there is Luz who is losing her mind trying to entertain kids nonstop day in and day out.
You might be working from home or have children at home–all day long. Does it seem like every five minutes someone wants something? And do you find yourself sometimes snapping at those in your home or even those on the screen?
You probably have discovered that criticizing or trying to control the behavior of other people in your life just doesn’t work. So, what, then, can you do to not have frayed nerves?
First, set aside a personal space and a time of no interruptions for each person in your home. It’s the constant demands for attention that get on your nerves. Even in a small home, find a corner where you can set up a table and a chair, or if you have particularly pesky people around, you might even have to close a door or cordon your space off with a rope and hang and sign on it that says “shhh”. Some private space and a quiet moment can help everyone decompress. But don’t forget to also set aside a mutually agreed upon time to interact. After all, you don’t want to look like you are never approachable.
Perhaps you can’t avoid those taxing people (you may even be trying to homeschool them), but if you find yourself starting to snap at others, use this phrase instead of the snippy one to state your concern. Fill in the blanks in this phrase: “When you….I feel….and I want/need to…..” For example, “When you interrupt me, I feel harassed and I need to focus on what I’m doing for the next half hour.” A statement like this does not criticize nor try to control the other person, because there is no “you” in this statement. It simply states what you are feeling and what you need.
Another way to respond to triggering behavior is to monitor your rising tension or anger so you can do something to reduce it before giving a curt response. Stand up, stretch, and then take 3 slow, deep breaths. Periodically do this even if you are not tense or angry because it can head off those feelings. The deep breaths create a relaxation response as well as giving you a moment to re-group and re-focus. If all of this fails and you catch yourself starting to yell, take a walk outdoors (but do tell the people in your house when you will be back).
Sometimes writing your complaint down on paper instead of saying it can be helpful. The irritation is then on the paper instead of on your mind and you can even toss that irritation in the trash. Or you can stash it away for a time when you can voice the complaint more calmly.
A great way to break the cycle of irritation and keep the peace is to say something positive. Psychologists John Gottman and Robert Levenson found that it is not the amount of negative statements that dooms a relationship but the ratio of negative to positive statements. For a harmonious relationship there must be five positive communications for every one negative communication. If a complaint or criticism does slip out, follow it with telling the other person what you appreciate about them. It will keep them from feeling attacked and defensive, and may remind you why you choose to live with them in the first place.
It only takes one of you to follow these suggestions and improve your household vibe. Your choices can create the model for how to treat one another. Then the people you interact with will tend to follow your lead. An example of the other person following your lead is seen in empathetic communication. If you put aside your concerns and listen intently to the other person, you will be able to give that person empathetic feedback. When someone receives empathy, they are more likely to give you empathy. These minor changes can help to create a happier relationship with those at home with you during these trying times.
“Climate change is a hoax,” my cousin said during a family
birthday party. “I saw on Twitter it’s just a way to get people to buy
expensive electric cars.” I sighed while thinking, “How can he be so
misinformed?” Indeed, what I wanted to say was, “Good grief, social media lies
are all you read.”
No doubt my cousin thought the same of me, when I said
Republican senators are too afraid of the president to do what’s right. Not
wanting to create a scene, we let each other’s statements slide by in icy
As a psychology professor and clinical psychologist in private
practice, I know my relationship with my cousin would have improved if we could
have discussed those issues in a nonthreatening way. If only.
I’m not alone in my frustration – and my desire for change. A
December 2019 poll conducted by Public Agenda/USA TODAY/Ipsos showed more than nine
out of 10 Americans said it’s time to reduce divisiveness, which
they believe is exacerbated by government leaders and social media. People want
to stop the animosity and relate to one another again. But how?
Based on my knowledge of psychological research, here are four approaches you can use to overcome divisiveness.
Avoiding interactions with people who have different
opinions perpetuates divisiveness. Risk
connecting with these people. Relate through activities you enjoy such as
volunteering, joining a “Meetup” group or starting a book club.
You could even invite people from various backgrounds to a potluck dinner at
What activities like these share is a common goal, which creates
a cooperative atmosphere instead of a competitive one. Research demonstrates
that contact alone does not ensure
cooperative interaction. To truly connect, you both have
to demonstrate respect while working on a common goal.
2. Find common ground
It’s important to remember the basic need to feel secure is shared
by all people. Focusing on commonalities can lead to a deeper understanding of
another person, while focusing on differences will lead to arguments.
An argument involves two people asserting one is right while the
other is wrong. But what gets lost in this scenario is the common ground of the
problem they both are trying to wrestle with.
Restate the problem. Together, brainstorm all the different ways
it might be solved.
For example, a person might say the only way to protect America
from terrorism is to sharply limit immigration. Instead of challenging that
immigration must be limited, you can restate the problem – then ask if there
might be ways to deal with terrorism besides limiting immigration. You might
find some solutions you agree upon.
Listen more and talk less. Show the other person you have
understood what they said before jumping in with your thoughts.
Everyone wants to be acknowledged as heard. If they are not, they will continue to press their point. So, to stop an argument in its tracks, start listening and reflect back what you’ve heard.
You’ve probably experienced listening for only what you want to
hear – and possibly found yourself not listening at all. You may just be
waiting to give a knee-jerk reaction to what the other person is saying.
To listen well, you need to first open your ears, eyes and
heart. Examine your biases so you can hear without judgment. Suspend your
self-interest and stay with what the other person is saying. Then tell that
person what you heard.
Now, it’s time for you to share where you’re coming from. Take a
deep breath. Cool down and reassess your thoughts so you can give a considered
response, instead of a quick reaction. You can disagree without being
Communication using the above process leads to a conversation instead of an argument and builds a more trusting relationship. It takes only one of you to create an empathetic conversation, as empathy begets empathy. The more compassionate understanding you give, the more you get.
4. Learn to critically evaluate
Don’t passively accept all that you see and hear. There
are too many
sources of distorted facts, unsupported opinions and outright lies
available today. Critically evaluate what is being presented by considering the
source and fact-checking the content.
Above all, if the message seems fake, don’t share it. Google has
a fact-checking tool, and First Draft News has tools
to evaluate false content and the way it is disseminated. You can also
consult Full Fact and CUNY’s
fact-checking guide. So, when you hear or see someone sharing fake
information, don’t challenge it. Instead, show how to fact check the
Avoid anger and hate in the content you consume. Evaluate
whether it is seeking to pit you against another person or group. Follow media
that supports empathy, compassion and understanding. But don’t get lulled into
a bubble by reading only content you agree with. Help children and teens, not
only to critically evaluate media, but also to become kind and caring toward
people who are different from them. Teach tolerance by showing tolerance. Yes,
you are only one person trying to create change, but your influence does
As for me, the next time I see my cousin, I plan to listen with empathy; let him know I understand his point of view; and try to identify a common goal around which we can share our perspectives.