3 Tips for Meghan and Harry (and All Married Couples) to Create a Lasting Love

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The beautiful princess (or duchess) and charming prince (or duke) may live in a castle but they will also have to face issues that you do on the way to happily ever after.  Here’s three tips for making love last.

Present as a Team.  People and events may try to pull you apart.  Family and friends will give you advice about what you should or should not do.  But, in trying to follow this advice you may find yourself at odds with your partner.  Major and minor events such as the birth of a child or even celebrations with in-laws can put a strain on your togetherness.  Later, as your child grows there are even more challenges to not having that child play one of you off the other.

Show everyone that you are a team, not just two individuals who can be pulled away from each other.  Disclose and discuss looming issues.  Then use “we” instead of “I” when responding to others.  In that way, others will see you are presenting a united front, one that is stronger than each of you separately.

Resolve Conflicts Successfully.  You will have disagreements that you can’t avoid.  Solving these disagreements in a way that you both win is necessary for a happy relationship.  If there is only one tool that will help you resolve conflicts successfully, it is empathetic communication.

Empathetic communication involves listening closely to your partner, taking a breath before replying, and then stating the essence of what you heard your partner say.  In this way you show you understand your partner’s position.  Feeling understood decreases defensiveness and increases cooperation.  If both of you do this when trying to resolve a conflict, it can lead to a winning solution for both of you.

Show you Appreciate your Partner— Every Day.  Yes, you are so in love now that you can’t even imagine lapsing into days of not connecting with each other at all.  Yet those days will come, perhaps sooner than you expected.  And then you will begin to feel the bloom of romance has withered, or maybe even died.  Yet, if you say or do something every day to show appreciation for your partner, the romance that is there now will be there throughout the years.

There are many ways to show appreciation.  Noticing what your partner is saying or doing and commenting favorably on it is one way.  Hugs, smiles, and saying thank you shows you value having your partner in your life.  Take a moment right now to show your partner some appreciation.

 

Podcast about Love

Recently I had a fun conversation with Brian Howie on The Great Love Debate.  We debated everything from what to watch out for when dating to how to make love last.  Listen to it here: Making Love Last

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How Flirting Can Become Harassment

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“Oh, I was just flirting” he said, she said.  It didn’t feel like “just flirting”, though.  It felt like harassment.

Two missteps change the flirting dance into one of harassment.

When two people are working on a project they often send each other signals that they are paying attention and are interested in what the other person is saying.  But when are these signals interpreted as flirting and when do they cross the line into harassment? 

Some Nonverbal Signals Indicate Interest

Several nonverbal signals help two people form a cooperative connection, that is important in any relationship. Mutual eye contact, an open posture, and mirroring each other’s movements indicate an interest in the other person. 

Psychotherapists use these signals to encourage a friendly connection.  Sales people use these signals to assure the other person that they are being listened to.  But these nonverbal signals are also the first steps in the flirting dance, which sometimes causes them to be misinterpreted.

Signals of Interest Might Be Misinterpreted as Flirting

Flirting goes beyond showing interest into demonstrating that you are a sexually attractive and available person.  After the initial interest signals, the flirting dance moves into preening.  Men and women both will stroke their hair.  They will highlight parts of their body that can be seen as sexually attractive.   A woman might slightly stroke her thigh or she might push her shoulders back to accentuate her breasts.  Or she might turn the palm of her hand outward or toss her head back to show more of her neck, which indicates harmlessness and submissiveness. A man might extend his strong chin or show off his pectoral muscles, signaling his ability to protect the woman.

A fleeting touch changes the flirting dance from entertainment to overtly sexual. Until this point, the couple may have been having fun and each may feel a boost in self-esteem at having been seen as attractive and interesting by the opposite sex. 

Your Boundaries Are Violated

Oops, the dance has now gone a little bit further than you intended. You did not want to move into touching and being touched.  

So much of flirting behavior is beneath one’s consciousness and is a reciprocal dance.  You send out one signal that then suggests moving to the next part of the dance.  Your partner picks up on this signal and does, indeed, move to the next part of the dance.

Saying Stop

saying noIf you know the sequence, though, you can say “stop” or just not show the reciprocal signal at any point.  If you aren’t aware of the sequence, you may just continue the dance until an uncomfortable touch occurs.  If a private area of the body is touched or grabbed, that is even more sexual.  Or a sexual comment might be uttered, again crossing the boundary of what is verbally appropriate in a non-sexual relationship. Sexting is also a violation of the usual boundaries. 

Sometimes, even indicating you are not interested in a sexual relationship does not stop the other person.  A 2010 study at Northwestern University found that, if a man or woman is in a power position over the other and interested in pursuing causal sex, that person is more likely to believe that the subordinate is sexually interested in them.  This belief then can lead to violating boundaries and it is especially problematic in the workplace.

Flirting Versus Sexual Harassment

If the person whose boundaries are violated wanted a sexual relationship, then it is not harassment.  In fact, a 2012 survey by CareerBuilder of more than 4,000 workers found that 39% said they had dated someone at work.

Sexual harassment occurs when a person skips over the flirting dance and goes directly to the final step of touch.  It is grabbing a sexual encounter instead of earning it and before making sure the recipient is giving consent.  Contacting a person through email or social media with sexual messages when that person does not want them is harassment. Even using sexual or demeaning talk about a gender or about another person is harassment.  And certainly, pursuing a sexual relationship when the other person has indicated “stop,” is harassment.

A person in a subordinate position may feel their job is in jeopardy if they do not submit to a sexual overture.  Yet, being strong enough to say “stop” is now becoming sanctioned.  Sexual harassment has no place in the workplace.

(The complete flirting script can be found in my book, Love Demystified: Strategies for a Successful Love Life.)

Note: If you find this post helpful, you are welcome to re-post it in your social media.

Here’s How a Cluttered Garage Inspired Love

 

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Author and her new book (with an old backstory)

California State University, Dominguez Hills Professor Beverly Palmer and her book, “Love Demystified: Strategies for a Successful Love Life.” 

Thursday, February 22, 2018 8:14 am  http://bit.ly/2oiEHg5

By Mary Jo Hazard Special to The News (Palos Verdes Peninsula News)

In the late 60’s, Beverly Palmer was a doctoral student in the counseling psychology department at Ohio State; she was fascinated by the mystery of love, and she wasn’t alone. Centuries before, Aristotle, Plato, and Shakespeare wrote about the subject, and Oscar Wilde even said, “The mystery of love is greater than the mystery of death.”

Searching for answers to the age-old puzzle, Palmer researched the fields of social psychology, clinical psychology — even philosophy.

Several years later, Palmer and her husband moved to Rancho Palos Verdes, at the time an unincorporated rural area of Los Angeles. She was a full-time professor, teaching graduate and undergraduate classes at California State University, Dominguez Hills and, based on her scientific research, Palmer created and taught a class on love. Eager to share her findings with the general public, she wrote the first draft, “Love Demystified: Strategies for a Successful Love Life.”

 In spite of her enthusiasm for her new project, Palmer was forced to stop working on the manuscript. “Private practice, childcare and teaching, took precedence,” she said.

Palmer was also fighting to save the rural nature of the Palos Verdes Peninsula.

“The Los Angeles Board of Supervisors had jurisdiction over our unincorporated area,” she said. “They wanted to give approval for many high rise apartments and condos to be built along the coast at the bottom of Hawthorne Boulevard and Palos Verdes Drive South. I became part of Save Our Coastline, which circulated petitions and created the city of Rancho Palos Verdes so we could stop the coastal development.”

As a result of her activism for the coastline and her research articles in the field of public health, James Hayes, Los Angeles Board Supervisor for the Fourth District, appointed her to the Los Angeles County Public Health Commission where she served for three years.

During the 40 plus years that Palmer taught college courses at Dominquez Hills, love was always on her mind. “Each class I taught,” she said, “made me realize that all of the diverse subfields in psychology said something about loving relationships.”

Three years ago, Palmer’s husband insisted they clear out their cluttered garage, and up popped the old draft of Love Demystified. If it hadn’t been for the messy garage, her book might not have resurfaced.

Palmer dusted off her first draft and spent more time researching current scientific material and revising. “The book,” she said, “is based on the latest scientific research. It’s a guide highlighting how people meet, fall in love, create love, fall out of love, and love again. It offers strategies for dealing with roadblocks in love relationships and details how to create love and make it last.”

Who would benefit from her book? According to Palmer, “anyone longing for love, starting to date, getting married, or wanting to fix a current relationship.”

The “love doctor” knows her stuff. The Palmers celebrated their 50th anniversary last June, and the psychologist credits their happy marriage to living the strategies from her book. And that’s not all; they work together, too. Richard Palmer, a psychiatrist, and Beverly, a psychologist, have shared a private practice in Torrance for the last thirty years.

The book is available in neighborhood stores, at Booklocker.com, and on other online sites.

It’s Finally Released!

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With Valentine’s Day approaching, here is the perfect gift for yourself or your loved one:

Love Demystified: Strategies for a Successful Love Life.

This guide uses cutting-edge psychological research to tell you how to find a new love, fix a current relationship, love again after a loss.  It gives you the tips and techniques you need to get through many difficult times in loving.

Available through the publisher (BookLocker.com/9605) or at all online and neighborhood booksellers.

Love Demystified Workbook

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Love Demystified: Strategies for a Successful Love Life will be released this week and the links for where it can be purchased will be posted on this blog.  Meanwhile, you might want to check out Love Demystified Workbook: Questionnaires to Assess Your Love Life.  This workbook contains 11 of the questionnaires that are in the regular Love Demystified book.  You can find out which areas in your love life that you might want to strengthen.  Then you can purchase the regular Love Demystified book to learn how to strengthen these areas.  The Love Demystified Workbook can be purchased from Amazon as a print book: http://amzn.to/2lPqJRK.

Or you can get the workbook free as an eBook if you are an Amazon Prime member or $2.99 for non prime members http://amzn.to/2COL82Q.

 

Discover Something New about Your Partner

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Each new year gives us a chance to be renewed.  How about renewing your relationship?

One of the best ways to renew your relationship is to discover something new about your partner.  Even if you have been with each other for decades you may not know your partner as well as you think you do. 

Here’s how you start the discovery:

  1. Set the stage for an intimate conversation.  You could take a walk together.  Walking can create an opportunity to talk more easily (yes, even for that person who often does not disclose feelings).  Or you could have a candlelit dinner either at home or at a quiet restaurant.  Or how about a picnic on a sunny warm day.

 

  1. Ask your partner’s permission to share some thoughts and feelings. Sometimes your partner just may not be in the mood to share.  Or your partner might anticipate that the sharing will not be met with a positive response.

 

  1. Start off with a fun, not so revealing question such as, “If you were to go to your favorite place in your mind, where would that be? Describe everything you see, hear, smell, and feel when you are in that favorite place.”  Not only will this query give you information you may not have previously known about your partner, but it also can be something your partner can use to relax or distract when there is tension or pain.

 

  1. More revealing questions ask about struggles, hopes, disappointments, and accomplishments. Again, you might discover something you didn’t know about your partner’s innermost thoughts and your partner might even access something that they didn’t know about their self.

 

  1. Give an empathic response to each sentence your partner shares. An empathic response is a summary of the main points of your partner’s answer.  This response reassures your partner that you really listened and that you are viewing the world through their eyes, without judgment.  It also encourages your partner to say even more.  And your partner is met with a positive response. 

 

  1. Now it can be your partner’s time to use these steps to discover more about you.

 

Five Ways You Know You Have Found Your Soulmate

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Basically, a soulmate is supportive and makes you feel comfortable.

  1. A soulmate listens to you deeply and you feel instantly understood. Being deeply listened to without the other person listening only for how they need to respond is a rarity in relationships.  Yet the other person acknowledging an understanding of the message you are sending makes you feel intimately connected to that person.
  2. A soulmate brings out the best in you and accepts you just the way you are. You feel like you can be totally open and honest with your soulmate because, no matter what you say, you will still be accepted as a person.
  3. When you are interacting with a soulmate you notice the similarities you share. You may have similar values, interests, goals.  Or you may have a subconscious connection.  Your soulmate may be similar to someone else who was important in your life who was also nurturing and accepting.  So you feel comfortable when with your soulmate.
  4. Your soulmate has your back. It is the two of you against the world—well, maybe just against a common foe or issue.  You feel supported in your struggles.
  5. A soulmate feels like that is your missing piece; you feel completed when you are with your soulmate.

Feeling understood and completed with your soulmate does have its downside.  You may feel you are incomplete without your soulmate and not able to function as well without that person.  You may start yearning for the next time the two of you will be together.  Or you may anxiously await the next text message.

You may begin to depend on your soulmate to meet your needs—your need for appreciation, for self-esteem, for comradeship.  If either you or your soulmate changes in terms of these needs, you can feel lost, not needed, or not needing.