President Elect Biden must now unite us in meeting the challenges of the pandemic, the economy, the climate, and social ills. To do this, he can use a powerful tool of science, modeling.
Modeling is observing a person showing a particular behavior and then engaging in that behavior. One learns to behave a certain way just by observing a person behaving that way. And, if the model gets a reward for a particular behavior, it is even more likely the observer will engage in that behavior.
For example, watching a person on a television program or on social media show kindness and honesty in interactions with others, inspires the viewer to show kindness and honesty. The viewer might also see that person rewarded for those behaviors by the recipient smiling and saying “thank you”. Likewise, watching a person insulting others and repeating lies increases those behaviors in the viewer, especially if there is a reward for doing so. The reward can be as simple as then feeling superior over others.
When the President of the United States models bigotry and lying, followers see these behaviors as ones that will get them what they want. When the President of the United States models respect and honesty, followers will show each other the same.
President Elect Biden can demonstrate listening with empathy and then acting with compassion. If he models these behaviors on social media, he can heal the divide as more and more people begin to show these behaviors towards each other.
If he models these behaviors in his interactions with politicians, he will increase the chance that those politicians will also show these behaviors in developing a consensus where everyone wins.
Modeling is such a powerful learning device that even advertisers use it to get viewers to buy their product. Martin Luther King, Jr. and Mahatma Gandhi were prosocial models who were able to inspire global social change. Now President Elect Biden will have no difficulty consistently modeling prosocial behaviors that are his second nature. These behaviors will then bring us together to create a better country for all of us. We will learn to listen to each other rather than denigrating those who think or act differently from us. Empathy, respect, compassion, and honesty come naturally to him. And, because these are the behaviors of love, if we all start showing them, they can replace hate.
Bandura, A. (1986., Social foundations of thought and action: A social cognitive theory. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice-Hall. (pp. 169-195).
Bandura, A. (1965). Influence of models’ reinforcement contingencies on the acquisition of imitative responses. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 1, 589-595.
You meet someone on line. Then you text. Then you Zoom or, if possible, meet for coffee. But why, as the interaction increases, do so many of these possible lovers turn into duds?
Maybe it is because what is presented online is not who the person really is. Or maybe it is because spending so much time with people online leaves no time to build relationship skills.
So, what should you look for online in a possible partner? And how do you best present yourself online?
To find the partner you really want, make a list of the qualities of that person that you feel are important for a good relationship. Consider whether you are looking for a short-term or a long-term relationship because, in one study, both men and women focused on sexual desirability when evaluating a prospective short-term relationship. They cited qualities such as physical attractiveness and athleticism. Yet, when a long-term relationship is desired, honesty, warmth, kindness, and intelligence were cited.
Next, prioritize these qualities. The first three priorities will then become what you will look for in online descriptions. A person who really has those qualities will list them rather than just presenting superficial desirable qualities.
If only one of the qualities you desire is listed, you can use later interactions to ask questions that might elicit the other qualities or even some surprising other desirable qualities. For example, you could ask what qualities the online prospect is looking for. Then you will know whether there is a mismatch in what you both are seeking. Or you could ask about a time when the person told a lie and how they felt about it.
What you often do not see immediately online are some qualities that are red flags. Everyone is initially trying to present an ideal self. And you might be so enamored at the beginning that you are blind to the subtle cues that indicate that person is not a keeper. Often, it isn’t until you are much deeper into the relationship that these red flags begin to show. For example, does the person want others to do things their way; blow hot and cold; get highly threatened by differences of opinion? (More of these red flags can be found in Beverly Palmer’s Love Demystified: Strategies for a Successful Love Life). We all show some of these characteristics some of the time but it is the insistence and persistence of them that create problems in relationships.
How do you find out about characteristics that do not bode well for a long-term relationship when you are just interacting online? One strategy is to ask how they would react in a given situation. Ask, “If someone interrupted you when you were trying to tell them something important, what would you feel and what would you do?” Or, “Tell me about a time when you were disappointed because someone didn’t think or act the way you expected them to.”
Now focus on yourself. How are you presenting yourself online? There is not a long list of qualities you have to have in order to be loveable. There is only one main thing you have to do: listen to the other person. Online communication or texting can present some impediments to getting the full message that is being communicated. But, if you pause before shooting off your reply, you can pick up the essence of the message and you can let your partner know what that essence is.
Everyone wants to be listened to and acknowledged that they were heard. Showing you have listened to others makes them feel appreciated and valued. They then love you because you make them feel this way.
To listen closely enough to the other person to understand what they are trying to communicate is not easy. First you have to de-center and focus on the other. You have to let go of any anxiety or concern about how you should respond. Focus entirely on the other person instead of what you are thinking or feeling. After you have heard what was said, do not give your instant reaction. Instead, repeat back the essence of what you heard. After you have acknowledged that you understood what was communicated, you can say what is important to you. Throughout your conversation you have to let the other person know you have listened before stating your point of view.
You might also want to assess how good of a listener the other person is. Since two people showing they are really listening to each other could be the start of a loving relationship.
Regan, P.C., Levin, L., Sprecher, S., Christopher, F.S. & Gate, R. (2000). Partner preferences: What characteristics do men and women desire in their short-term sexual and long-term romantic partners?. Journal of Psychology and Human Sexuality. 12 (3), 1-21. https:// doi.org/10.1300/J056v12n03_0
“Climate change is a hoax,” my cousin said during a family
birthday party. “I saw on Twitter it’s just a way to get people to buy
expensive electric cars.” I sighed while thinking, “How can he be so
misinformed?” Indeed, what I wanted to say was, “Good grief, social media lies
are all you read.”
No doubt my cousin thought the same of me, when I said
Republican senators are too afraid of the president to do what’s right. Not
wanting to create a scene, we let each other’s statements slide by in icy
As a psychology professor and clinical psychologist in private
practice, I know my relationship with my cousin would have improved if we could
have discussed those issues in a nonthreatening way. If only.
I’m not alone in my frustration – and my desire for change. A
December 2019 poll conducted by Public Agenda/USA TODAY/Ipsos showed more than nine
out of 10 Americans said it’s time to reduce divisiveness, which
they believe is exacerbated by government leaders and social media. People want
to stop the animosity and relate to one another again. But how?
Based on my knowledge of psychological research, here are four approaches you can use to overcome divisiveness.
Avoiding interactions with people who have different
opinions perpetuates divisiveness. Risk
connecting with these people. Relate through activities you enjoy such as
volunteering, joining a “Meetup” group or starting a book club.
You could even invite people from various backgrounds to a potluck dinner at
What activities like these share is a common goal, which creates
a cooperative atmosphere instead of a competitive one. Research demonstrates
that contact alone does not ensure
cooperative interaction. To truly connect, you both have
to demonstrate respect while working on a common goal.
2. Find common ground
It’s important to remember the basic need to feel secure is shared
by all people. Focusing on commonalities can lead to a deeper understanding of
another person, while focusing on differences will lead to arguments.
An argument involves two people asserting one is right while the
other is wrong. But what gets lost in this scenario is the common ground of the
problem they both are trying to wrestle with.
Restate the problem. Together, brainstorm all the different ways
it might be solved.
For example, a person might say the only way to protect America
from terrorism is to sharply limit immigration. Instead of challenging that
immigration must be limited, you can restate the problem – then ask if there
might be ways to deal with terrorism besides limiting immigration. You might
find some solutions you agree upon.
Listen more and talk less. Show the other person you have
understood what they said before jumping in with your thoughts.
Everyone wants to be acknowledged as heard. If they are not, they will continue to press their point. So, to stop an argument in its tracks, start listening and reflect back what you’ve heard.
You’ve probably experienced listening for only what you want to
hear – and possibly found yourself not listening at all. You may just be
waiting to give a knee-jerk reaction to what the other person is saying.
To listen well, you need to first open your ears, eyes and
heart. Examine your biases so you can hear without judgment. Suspend your
self-interest and stay with what the other person is saying. Then tell that
person what you heard.
Now, it’s time for you to share where you’re coming from. Take a
deep breath. Cool down and reassess your thoughts so you can give a considered
response, instead of a quick reaction. You can disagree without being
Communication using the above process leads to a conversation instead of an argument and builds a more trusting relationship. It takes only one of you to create an empathetic conversation, as empathy begets empathy. The more compassionate understanding you give, the more you get.
4. Learn to critically evaluate
Don’t passively accept all that you see and hear. There
are too many
sources of distorted facts, unsupported opinions and outright lies
available today. Critically evaluate what is being presented by considering the
source and fact-checking the content.
Above all, if the message seems fake, don’t share it. Google has
a fact-checking tool, and First Draft News has tools
to evaluate false content and the way it is disseminated. You can also
consult Full Fact and CUNY’s
fact-checking guide. So, when you hear or see someone sharing fake
information, don’t challenge it. Instead, show how to fact check the
Avoid anger and hate in the content you consume. Evaluate
whether it is seeking to pit you against another person or group. Follow media
that supports empathy, compassion and understanding. But don’t get lulled into
a bubble by reading only content you agree with. Help children and teens, not
only to critically evaluate media, but also to become kind and caring toward
people who are different from them. Teach tolerance by showing tolerance. Yes,
you are only one person trying to create change, but your influence does
As for me, the next time I see my cousin, I plan to listen with empathy; let him know I understand his point of view; and try to identify a common goal around which we can share our perspectives.
Need a unique Christmas gift for the young adult on your list? Help them have a successful love life with Love Demystified: Strategies for a Successful Love Life.
No matter where on the road to love someone is, this book will help them to avoid or work through the inevitable bumps along the way. This book gives tips on each stage of a relationship, from finding a partner and making sure it is the right “one”, to creating a lasting love.
Instead of opinionated advice one might get on the internet or from their social media, this book gives them tips and techniques based on the science of what actually works. The gift keeps giving because they will refer to it both now and throughout the years, because as their love life evolves new chapters will become relevant.
Available as a paperback or e-book at Amazon.com (amzn.to/2Kft05b or amzn.to/2YvQJls).
Oh, and if you are a young adult who is reading this, buy a copy of Love Demystified: Strategies for a Successful Love Life for yourself (and maybe even one for a friend).