How to Stay Connected on Valentine’s Day

With Valentine’s Day Approaching, Try These Tips To Make This Day A Special One.

Does Valentine’s Day make you wish you had someone to love (and to love you)? Don’t despair—there are ways to dispel loneliness during the Valentine’s Day hype, and help get you out doing something you enjoy. When you are deeply involved in an activity with other people you have a common goal and interests that connect you. Frequent exposure to others increases their liking of you, so besides having an enjoyable time, you might find a new love by engaging in some of the following suggestions from Beverly B. Palmer, Ph.D., professor and clinical psychologist.

  • Volunteer

Think about who you would get the most satisfaction from helping.  Would it be children, the homeless, migrants, senior citizens?  Then, search online for where you might be most needed. VolunteerMatch.organd CreateTheGood.org are two sites that list volunteer opportunities in your community. Not only would you be making a positive change, you would be meeting others with similar values.

  • Foster or Adopt a Pet

You may find a pet to be a loving companion. A cat can give you comfort as it curls up on your lap, while a dog will get you out of your house on a daily basis where you will meet neighbors and other doggie lovers at the park. You then instantly have something in common with those around you and something to talk about. Petting a dog or cat releases the “love hormone”, oxytocin, in both the person’s and pet’s brains, according to a group of Swedish researchers.  Oxytocin creates a feeling of being loved and insures a strong bond, so your pet can help you feel less lonely.  Contact your local pet adoption group or borrow a friend’s pet before taking the plunge.

  • Join a Special Interest Group

If you have a hobby you could join a group of people who share that interest. Every city has an abundance of special interest groups, professional association functions, alumni events, and civic organization meetings. Find group activities on websites such as meetup.com. These may involve hiking, cooking, developing a new skill, discussing a topic, or participating in a sport.

  • Sign up for a Course or Fitness Center’s Program

If you have a regularly scheduled event where you are with other people, you already have a way not to be lonely during the upcoming Valentine’s Day.  Seek out adult classes that interest you at your local university, or join a gym.  Both men and women are attracted to the other’s sweat, reports a Swiss study, which explains why health clubs are such popular hunting grounds! Don’t forget to reach out and connect to others by asking for advice or noticing when someone needs help.  Don’t wait for someone to find you—smile and start talking with someone who is engaged in the activity with you.

  • Read a Good Book

Visit your library or bookstore. Selecting a book from browsing the shelves gives you an opportunity to interact with others before going home to read. Escape to another world through an engrossing fiction.  Learn something new through a helpful nonfiction book, such as Love Demystified: Strategies for a Successful Love Life, which will give you even more suggestions on how to avoid the Valentine’s Day blues.

Why Are We So Divided and What Can We Do about It? Psychological Research Has Some Clues

Our nation is increasingly becoming divided into opposing groups.  And these divisions are becoming more and more entrenched.  So, why is this occurring? 

Similarity Brings Comfort

Psychologists say it is easiest to stick with people who we see as similar to ourselves. It requires more effort to step outside our bubble.  So, we tend to associate with people who look or think like ourselves.

We then we take the similarity even one step further by assuming that people who are similar to us on one characteristic are similar to us on many other characteristics.  For example, if a person belongs to the same political party or religion that we do, we might think they also like the same activities that we do. Thus, we have a strong tendency to categorize people with a broad brush.

We also want assurances that we will be liked before we attempt to interact with someone else.  People who are similar to us tend to be liked by us and tend to like us more so than is the case with dissimilar people.  Again, then, we isolate ourselves from the challenge of being with dissimilar people.  The process of seeing our group as the best group is known as ingroup bias.

Ingroup Bias is Hardwired

Viewing others in the same way we view ourselves is a function of a part of our brain known as the medial prefrontal cortex.  Other parts of our brain also predispose us to ingroup bias.

We see the same behaviors of people not in our group as different from those of people in our group. A group of psychologists presented Democrats and Republicans during the U.S. Presidential election of 2004 with an initial statement (e.g., a politician said they were going to lower taxes) from a presidential candidate of their own or another political group.  Participants were subsequently shown a statement which involved an action which contradicted the initial statement (e.g., the politician is now not lowering taxes). Participants perceived less contradiction between the initial statement and the action that contradicted the statement from their own group leader. This biased processing of information from ingroup versus outgroup leaders showed up as activation in certain areas of the brain.

When feeling threatened by an outgroup member, another part of our brain is activated.  Australian psychologists asked Non-Muslim participants to decide to either shoot a photograph of a Muslim (outgroup member) or a Non-Muslim (ingroup member) who, in the photograph, was holding a gun. When confronted by the photograph of the outgroup member with a gun and while deciding to shoot the photograph of this member, the lateral orbitofrontal cortex of the Non-Muslim participant was activated. But it was not activated when deciding whether to shoot the photograph of the ingroup member.

Ingroup Bias is Amplified by Social Media

Social media increases our isolation from others. We tend to subscribe to popular media which only confirms our point of view.  People outside our group may have a different point of view but we are not exposed to it.  And when we are not exposed to outgroup members, our ingroup bias is intensified.

Stereotypes of outgroup members run rampant. We even then begin surmising what other people think.  People who dress like Muslims might think like or (gasp) be terrorists.  People who are trying to immigrate to the United States might think they can be freeloaders.  These stereotypes all come from seeing people outside our group as not only making us uncomfortable but as being a threat. 

It is the way we see people not like us that creates fear and hate—not the actual reality.  Yes, some people from our group as well as some people outside our group are, at best misinformed, and even terrorists and freeloaders, but most people are not.  Yet we continue to have a perception of people not like us in terms of stereotypes.

See Others as Individuals, Not as Members of a Group

To change our perception, we must be exposed to people not like us in positive contexts.  We cannot just stay in our safe shell.  We have to actively seek out people who are not similar to us. We will then see others as individuals, not just as members of an outgroup.

One way to develop positive images is through travel where we interact with others—this could be travel within or outside the United States.  Another way is for positive images and stories about people from groups other than our own to be presented in popular media (social media, television, magazines, newspapers), schools, churches, even stores.

There are many benefits to taking the risk of being with people different from ourselves.  One benefit is changing attitudes toward outgroup members.  The change in attitudes reduces conflict, which benefits one’s well being as well as society.

Another benefit of interacting with outgroup members is self-expansion. Self-expansion means we develop a wider view of who we are and of what we are able to do.  We are motivated to expand ourselves.  And one of the best ways to do so is to engage in activities with members of an outgroup.  We begin to incorporate some of the positive characteristics and resources of others into our view of our self.

Yes, we need to reach out and speak to people other than ourselves.  But, most of all, we need to listen to them.

REFERENCES

Aron, A., McLaughlin-Volpe, T., Mashek, D., Lewandowski, G., Wright, S.C. & Aron. E.N. (2004) Including others in the self, European Review of Social Psychology, 15(1), 101-132, DOI: 10.1080/10463280440000008

Domínguez D, J.F., van Nunspeet,F., Gupta, A., Eres, R., Louis, W.R., Decety, J., & Molenberghs, P. (2018). Lateral orbitofrontal cortex activity is modulated by group membership in situations of justified and unjustified violence, Social Neuroscience, 13 (6), 739-755. DOI: 10.1080/17470919.2017.1392342

Hampton, A.J., Fisher Boyd, A.N., & Sprecher, S. (2019). You’re like me and I like you: Mediators of the similarity-liking link assessed before and after a getting-acquainted social interaction. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36 (7), 2221-2224. DOI:10.1177/0265407518790411

Locke, K.D., Craig, T., Baik, K.D., Gohil, K.(2012). Binds and bounds of communion: effects of interpersonal values on assumed similarity of self and others. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 103(5), 879-897.

Molenberghs, P., Louis, W. R. (2018). Insights from fMRI studies into ingroup bias. Frontiers in Psychology, 9 (1868), 1-12. DOI: 10.3389/fpsyg.2018.01868 

Paolini, S., Wright, S., Dys-Steenbergen, O., & Favara, I.. (2016). Self‐Expansion and intergroup contact: Expectancies and motives to self‐expand lead to greater interest in outgroup contact and more positive intergroup relations. Journal of Social Issues. 72, 450-471. DOI: 10.1111/josi.12176.

Westen, D., Blagov, P. S., Harenski, K., Kilts, C., and Hamann, S. (2006). Neural bases of motivated reasoning: an fMRI study of emotional constraints on partisan political judgment in the 2004 US presidential election. J. Cogn. Neurosci. 18, 1947–1958. DOI: 10.1162/jocn.2006.18.11.1947

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The Science Behind Why We Find Certain People Attractive

Give Love This Christmas

christmas-gift-ideas-2.jpgNeed a unique Christmas gift for the young adult on your list?  Help them have a successful love life with Love Demystified: Strategies for a Successful Love Life.

No matter where on the road to love someone is, this book will help them to avoid or work through the inevitable bumps along the way.  This book gives tips on each stage of a relationship, from finding a partner and making sure it is the right “one”, to creating a lasting love.

Instead of opinionated advice one might get on the internet or from their social media, this book gives them tips and techniques based on the science of what actually works.  The gift keeps giving because they will refer to it both now and throughout the years, because as their love life evolves new chapters will become relevant.

Available as a paperback or e-book at Amazon.com (amzn.to/2Kft05b or amzn.to/2YvQJls).

Oh, and if you are a young adult who is reading this, buy a copy of Love Demystified: Strategies for a Successful Love Life for yourself (and maybe even one for a friend).

A (Short) Guide To Better Boundaries

I was honored to contribute to this article which appeared on Page 5 of the Wellness Section in the Sunday New York Times on October 30th. boundriesblog

Why Do I Use Baby Talk With Pets? Experts Say Your Habit Has Its Perks

BY MARISA CASCIANO

EliteDaily.com

OCT 8, 2019

As I get older, I’m becoming more aware of my quirks, such as my ability to fall asleep in the middle of a crowded room, and the fact that I throw a hot popcorn bag in the sink instead of the trash.But when it comes to my interactions with cute animals — ranging fromfully grown dogs to tiny kittens — I take things to another level. I’ve gotten into the habit of changing my voice to a higher pitch when I speak to animals. It didn’t occur to me until recently that some might consider this odd, but now I kind of agree. Why do I use baby talk with pets?

I’m well aware I’m not the only one who does this, but when I step away from the overwhelming joy I feel at the sight of a cute pet, I wonder why I drastically change the tone of my voice to higher octaves when I talk to cats, or introduce words like “doodle” and “nugget” into my vocabulary when interacting with dogs.

The way I touch my finger to the top of a puppy’s wet nose and say, “Boop!” or squeal when I rub my cat’s belly when she rolls over, isn’t unique or overly concerning. But it is basically the same way a new mom would play with her 4-month-old child, or react when that same child takes their first steps. So, it was time to figure out why.

In an interview with Elite Daily, Courtney Glashow, LCSW, owner, and psychotherapist at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, NJ, says baby talk is a natural instinct that stems from wanting to connect with a pet on a deeper level. She notes when you use this kind ofhigh-pitched and slow speech to talk to actual babies, you’re acknowledging they can’t understand you yet, but are able to react, hopefully in a positive way. As a result, you opt for this kind of speech because “usually babies react well to it and some pets may as well.”

Beverly B. Palmer, Ph.D., professor emeritus from the psychology department at California State University, Dominguez Hills, and author of Love Demystified: Strategies for a Successful Love Lifereveals baby talk can even be effective when you want to discipline your pet. This kind of speech can even come in handy when you want your furry friend to listen and behave, in addition to showing them you enjoy their company.

LIKE A HUMAN BABY, OUR PET NEEDS TO BE PROTECTED (NOT YELLED AT), IS DEPENDENT, AND FULFILLS OUR NEED TO BE NEEDED, WHICH IS EQUATED WITH BEING LOVED.

In a study from the U.S. National Library of Medicine titled, “Oxytocin enhances the appropriate use of human social cues by the domestic dog (Canis familiaris) in an object choice task,” 62 pet dogs — 31 males, 31 females — were given intranasal oxytocin (otherwise known as the “cuddle hormone” or “love hormone”) or a saline control before a session where they were supposed to respond to pointing or gazing cues. During those sessions, the oxytocin improved the dog’s performance; they reacted more positively when responding to human cues.

In layman’s terms, the “love hormone” made the dogs feel more connected to their humans and willing to be disciplined. Palmer suggests this means that, rather than using a stern voice when your pet isn’t doing something they should, you can keep talking to your pet like you would a baby and encourage them that way. In essence, your love goes a long way.

Based on their positive reactions in this study, it seems like most domesticated canines appreciate the higher-pitched way of speaking you (and I) have become so accustomed to using, because baby talkgives them a sense of love and affection they rely on.”Like a human baby, our pet needs to be protected (not yelled at), is dependent, and fulfills our need to be needed, which is equated with being loved,” Palmer tells Elite Daily via email.

Manhattan psychologist Dr. Joseph Cilona tells Elite Daily “exaggerating pronunciation of vowels and consonants” and using a higher pitch when you’re talking to an infantcan really help you bond with them. He says when it comes to talking to your pet, you can expect a similar effect and result, especially if you incorporate certain words and phrases.

Like Palmer, Cilona points to research. He says in the study conducted by Alex Benjamin and Katie Slocombe titled, “Who’s a good boy?! Dogs prefer naturalistic dog-directed speech,” research revealed puppies are more responsive and attentive to speech when it was directed toward them. The authors in the study “argue that DDS may have a functional value in puppies, but not adult dogs.” This speech includes dog-friendly phrases like, “Good dog!” and “Treat?” and proved fur babies will be attracted to humans who are addressing them with these phrases and specific “acoustic properties,” like a higher pitch or tone, according to the study.

OUR PETS ARE SMALLER THAN WE ARE, SO THEY REMIND US OF HOW WE TREAT OUR LITTLE HUMANS.

However, even if your pup responds well to being called “nugget” in a very high-pitched voice, you should be careful about when and where you opt for baby talk. Glashow says you might not always be in the right setting for it. You may find your habit creeping into other relationships and interactions where it doesn’t fit.

“Our pets are smaller than we are, so they remind us of how we treat our little humans,” Palmer says, and that’s definitely true for me. In some way, when I look at a tiny kitten or fluffy golden retriever puppy, my mind instantly goes to the same place as when I’m interacting with my cousin’s adorable 2-year-old. However, that doesn’t necessarily mean my habit is welcomed or in the right. According to Glashow, it may not be appropriate in professional settings, like an office party with a pet present, or in scenarios where others don’t have a pet or child and aren’t familiar with baby talk.

Ultimately, though, you can go about your usual business and embrace your baby talk, especially when you’re talking to your own pet.You can cuddle up with your bunny, German shepherd, Maine coon, or sweet rescue, and tell them they’re the greatest pet in the entire world in an incredibly high octave. You can reach the same falsetto notes while booping your puppy’s nose or reminding your new kitten they are so loved. I’ll be somewhere in the world doing the same thing, and not wondering why I do it anymore. This seemingly weird habit? Explained.

Find Out How Much Passion, Romance, and Intimacy Is in Your Relationship

Do you wonder about yourself in terms of the following questions? Do you wonder about how your partner answers these questions?

Get the Love Demystified Workbook in paperback https://amzn.to/2lQT2BT or as an ebook (click Shop tab on this site)

What Do You Really Long For?

How Much Passion Is in Your Relationship?

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Find the Hidden Self

Discover Your Attachment Style

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11 Pretty Surprising Reasons You’re Dreaming About Your Ex

man in black shirt and blue jeans

Spoiler alert: It doesn’t always mean you want them back.

 

BY ARYELLE SICLAIT

AUG 13, 2019

Dreaming about your ex is extremely inconvenient—I don’t need to tell you that. I mean, you’ve done the hard work of crying all the tears, ridding your home of all things related to the relationship, getting past the drunk-texting stage, and moving on, and yet their stupid face creeps up in your dreams. The nerve of them.

First off, you should find comfort in the fact that, as annoying as it may be, dreaming about a former lover is not all bad. The same way that freaky dream about losing your teeth is a sign that you’re more stressed about a major life change than you’d like to admit, or dream-cheating on your S.O. means your current relationship might be in need of some TLC, dreams about your ex can give you really helpful intel into your real life.

Having an old flame guest star in your nighttime fantasies (or, uh, nightmares) is actually a reminder from your subconscious about general feelings you’ve shoved into the junk drawers of your mind and should consider revisiting.

“An ex shows up in your dreams ‘because of unfinished business.'”

Generally speaking, an ex shows up in your dreams “because of unfinished business,” says Beverly Palmer, PhD, clinical psychologist, professor emeritus at California State University, Dominguez Hills, and author of Love Demystified.

And no—before you panic—those feelings aren’t necessarily about wanting your ex back, or tied to a sign that you belong with this person (fact: you most likely don’t), says Marion Rudin Frank, EdD, a psychologist specializing in dream analysis and relationships in Philadelphia. In fact, those feelings are actually probably not about your ex at all.

So what are they about? Well, this is where things get a little tricky. Frank notes that dreams are super personal for everyone (even the weather in your dreams is symbolic and specific to you!), so she can’t offer too many generalizations about what these dreams mean (unless you were to sit down with her or a similar expert one-on-one…which I highly recommend).

But the biggest takeaway is this: Dreams are NEVER random. Every single one is a consolidation of what you’ve dealt with while awake and, for that reason, has tons of meaning, she says. (Fun fact: You have about six dreams per night, so gear up for a lot of deciphering).

Here are the most common reasons you might be dreaming about your ex:

  1. Something is missing in your life

If you dream about straight-up missing your ex, it mean that you’re feeling a void in your life, says Frank, such as intimacy from a parent or a solid group of friends like the ones you had before you moved cities.

  1. Your current relationship could use some help.

If you dream about fighting with your ex, you’re likely wrestling with something with your current partner that needs to be addressed, such as guilt about a lie you told them.

  1. Something small simply reminded you of them.

All it takes, says Frank, is a whiff of perfume or having to deal with someone in your waking life in a way that’s even loosely related to your ex for them to make an appearance in your dream world. Though, they might not have done much in the dream itself, something you encountered during the day was enough to unlock a dormant memory of them that manifested itself as you slept.

  1. Your self-esteem took a toll.

If your ex is intruding in your dreams, it may be because there are parts of yourself that you have trouble appreciating but your ex thought were beautiful, says Frank. Your ex’s presence is your mind’s way of telling you to show yourself a little more love.

  1. You’re annoyed with other people.

You probably associate negative feelings with your ex, Frank says.

Say your coworker takes credit for your work on a project, for example. Though you brushed it off in the moment, you might dream about your ex because they’re your subconscious’ best representation of those feelings of betrayal. So, dreaming about your ex could have been your mind’s way of reconciling with those feelings you’d pushed aside earlier that day.

  1. You miss your ex—or certain qualities of them.

Remember when the pros said dreams about your ex aren’t always about wanting to get back together? Well, sorry to break it to you, but that means those dreams—particularly ones where you reconcile—can sometimes be messages from deep within you about missing your ex or wishing your current partner were more like them.

Plus, if your past relationship ended on good terms (lucky you), it’s not so unlikely that you’ll be easily reminded of them from time to time.

  1. You’re craving more intimacy.

If you dream about hooking up or having sex with your ex, you might be needing more intimate connections in your life, according to Frank. And it doesn’t necessarily mean more intimacy from your current partner—you might need it emotionally from your family or your friends.

  1. You associate your creativity with them.

Did you dream that you and your ex had babies? Don’t fret: Children represent creativity and the growth of ideas, says to Gary Toub, PhD, former director of training at the C.G. Jung Institute of Colorado, who specializes in Jungian analyses, dreams, and fantasies.

That means that you might have dreamt about co-parenting with your ex merely because you’re excited about a project you just pitched at work, or because of some other cool creative endeavor.

  1. You’re in the healing phase.

Perhaps you dreamt that your ex apologized to you in your dream. First of all, finally. Second of all, Toub says there’s a good chance the dream means that you’re moving past something that hurt you. Oh, thank g-d.

Hoping to stay friends your ex? These celebs figured out how—maybe you can, too:

  1. You’re still feeling the feels.

If you dreamt that you’re living with your ex, get this: It’s a really common dream, says Toub, but it’s also one of the most personal.

Overall, this particular ex dream means that whatever your former beau represents for you (safety, hurt, sadness, fear, warmth) is still alive in you. So, if you’re dreaming about shacking up, it’s probably because one of those emotions was triggered some time before you went to sleep.

  1. You’re moving on.

Did you relive your breakup by having a dream about breaking up? This could actually be a really great thing: that you’re breaking up with the part of yourself that your subconscious mind associates with your old flame.

Especially if your former partner hurt you, this could be symbolic of your progress—the process of separating yourself from the part of you that was injured by your ex and getting your agency back.

Gotcha, so what do I do now?

Dreams about your ex (as unwelcome as they might be) can mean a billion different things, so whatever you do, don’t write them off, Frank urges. They’re an opportunity to learn about yourself, about your current relationship, and grow.

Dreams about your ex are an opportunity to learn about yourself and grow.

What should you do? She suggests writing down everything you remember about your dream(s) as soon as you wake up, and, if you’re able to, running it by a psychologist who can decode what your psyche is trying to communicate from those hard-to-reach parts of your mind.

It could be that you haven’t completely moved on from that relationship—and there’s no one better than a therapist to help you sort through those feelings, and if/when you’re ready, give you the tools and support you need to charge forward.

Now, whether you sorta hate your ex or will always love them, who woulda thought those annoying dreams would have turned out to be worth it after all?

ARYELLE SICLAIT Assistant Editor

Women’s Health.

 

What It Really Means If Your Love Language Is ‘Acts Of Service’

mad cat

Show me, don’t tell me.

BY ARYELLE SICLAIT

JUL 26, 2019

If you want to know why you do the things you do, you might look to your zodiac sign. For intel about your social tendencies, maybe your Myers-Briggs personality. But for understanding what makes you feel special in a relationship? Well, that’s one for love languages.

If you’ve read up on anything related to relationships and romance, like, ever, there’s a good chance you’ve come across Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages at some point in your research (or, okay, at girls night).

A quick rundown: If compliments make you melt, your love language is probably Words of Affirmation. If you thrive on the thoughtfulness behind a present, Receiving Gifts is yours. Look forward to dinners for two all weeklong? That’s Quality Time. And if you’re all about holding hands or you feel most connected during sex, you speak the language of Physical Touch.

The language that tends to get a bad rap (aside from Receiving Gifts, which isn’t about materialism, btw), however, is Acts of Service. It describes people whose hearts swell at the thought of coming home to dinner on the table with the promise of an empty sink or a foot rub for dessert. If this sounds like you, you feel most loved when people do things for you, not just with you or to you.

But here’s the thing: The Acts of Service language doesn’t make you a high-maintenance or lazy nag. All it means is that, for you, actions truly speak louder than words. 

Okay, tell me more—what does ‘Acts of Service’ say about me?

At its core, this language is about demonstrations of love.

Since saying “I love you” doesn’t actually guarantee that the speaker means it, some people respond better to seeing someone show their feelings, says Beverly Palmer, PhD, clinical psychologist, professor emeritus at California State University, Dominguez Hills, and author of Love Demystified

That’s not to say you have trust issues (though it’s possible), or that you’re overly dependent (or codependent) on other people. In fact, you’re most likely super self-sufficient and ambitious.

That’s exactly what makes you respond to this language: If someone can recognize all that you do on your own and wants to step in to help make your life a little easier, that, to you, is real love.

Their actions are actually less about the deed itself and more about showing you that they are on your team.

If your partner goes out of their way to pick your sister up from the airport, or call the realtor so you don’t have to, you hear “I care about you enough to sacrifice my own time for your benefit.” And that’s not something you find every day. 

Is Acts of Service ever a bad thing?

Okay, brace yourself: Acts of Service can be a little problematic if you’re not super self-aware.

While every relationship should be about balance, where both partners get their needs equally met, having this particular love language could make you more susceptible to letting expectations get in the way of an otherwise happy and healthy situation. In other words, if you think your partner should be doing X or Y for you, rather than letting them choose how to show their support, you could self-sabotage your bond.

“Unbalanced relationships where one person expects too much and thinks their partner must meet those expectations to prove that they love them” is when things get tricky, Palmer says. No one wants a relationship that comes with a list of chores.

Think about it: At work, you’d be put off by a new employee who feels like they’re entitled to certain things before they’ve even shown their commitment to the company. Similarly, your partner should feel like their demonstrations of love are reciprocated and their choice, at their will—not your demand. 

Want a stronger relationship? Steal this couple’s secrets:

Gotcha. So if this is my love language, how do I make a relationship work?

Communication, communication, oh, and um, some more communication.

When acts of service are involved, there’s no room for assumptions, says Palmer. Assuming your S.O. knows which acts of service you value most and expecting them to perform them at all is a surefire way to make your partner feel taken advantage of.

So here’s how to be straightforward without demanding anything in return:

Do

  • Clearly tell your partner which acts of service you value.This way they can prioritize those actions, Palmer says. Frame it in a way that explains why their help means something to you, like: “I haven’t been getting much sleep lately—would you mind walking the dog in the morning so I can sleep in a little longer?”

    If you have a hard time expressing your needs, talking to a therapist can help you feel more comfortable. Either way, if you prefer to be more subtle, try telling your partner about a time a friend or family member did something for you that meant a lot to you, suggests Palmer.

  • Acknowledge what your partner’s doing—say thank you.It sounds duh, but especially in if you’ve been together for a while, you may not notice some of the things they’re doing to show you you’re their #1. 

    So to ensure they never feel taken for granted, after you talk through which acts of service are major for you, keep an eye out for when they actually do them (or something similar). Say: “Hey, I noticed you picked up the dry-cleaning today while I was stuck at work. I’m going to need those pants this week, so thank you so much for doing that.” 

  • Learn the ways your partner feels most loved.There’s a chance they “speak” a different love language than you do (they might need touch or feel extra special when you tell them how impressed you are by their brain), so do what you can to suss out their love language. Straight-up talk about it (Palmer promises the convo won’t be awkward as long as you keep things positive), or tune in to what makes them light up day to day. 

    Once you figure it out, keep that intel top of mind and create opportunities to speak their language (surprise them with a massage, bring home their favorite cookie…you get the idea). Otherwise, you’ll find these acts of service you crave become less and less frequent when your S.O. isn’t feeling the love from you.

Don’t

  • Expect your partner to read your mind.While, yeah, it’s the thought that counts, if certain actions will make you feel especially warm and fuzzy inside, speak up. 
  • Scoff at no. Remember, acts of service really lose their meaning if they’re not at your partner’s will. So be okay with hearing “Sorry, I can’t right now,” and trust that if they could, they would. If you feel like they’re always turning down your needs, it may be a good opp to visit a couples counselor. Communication is everything, after all.
  • Fully rely on your partner to pick up your slack.Even if your partner has your back, keep up with your own responsibilities so they can live their life, too. Dumping your daily tasks on them, Palmer says, is a one-way ticket to Splitsville. 

Bottom line: The Acts of Service love language is just as legit as all the others. Don’t let anyone (including yourself) shame you for it.

As long as you’re offering your partner the biggest service of all—speaking their love language in return—go on and enjoy that empty dishwasher, guilt-free.

ARYELLE SICLAIT Assistant EditorAryelle Siclait is an assistant editor at Women’s Health.

 

Love in the Age of Social Media

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You meet someone on line.  Then you text.  Then you meet for coffee.  But why do so many of these possible lovers turn into duds?

Maybe it is because what is presented online is not who the person really is.  Or maybe it is because spending so much time with people online leaves no time to build relationship skills.

So, what should you look for offline in a possible partner?  And how do you best present yourself offline?

Online

To find the partner you really want, make a list of the qualities of that person that you feel are important for a good relationship.  Then prioritize these qualities.  The first three priorities will then become what you will look for in online descriptions and what you will try to ascertain during your first offline visit.  If one or more of your first three priorities are not listed in that person’s online description, move on.  A person who really has those qualities will list them rather than just presenting superficial desirable qualities.

Offline

Or, if it seems that none of the online descriptions contains your priorities, you need to move offline.  Offline places to meet possible partners are: meetup groups (meetup.com), volunteering sites, universities.

Now you are having that first meeting with a potential partner.  How do you present yourself?  Do you have the relationship skills to succeed?

Everyone wants someone who is a good listener.  Instead of focusing on the anxiety you feel about this first meeting, focus on the other person.  Listen to what that person is saying and show you listened by repeating back a snippet of what was said.  All you really need to do during the first meeting is listen because listening is the number one relationship skill.

You might also want to assess how good of a listener the other person is.  Since two people showing they are really listening to each other could be the start of a loving relationship.

(To find out more ways to meet a potential partner read Love Demystified: Strategies for a Successful Love Life by Beverly B. Palmer, Ph.D.)

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